


The school of Voltron: a terrible crack fic

by nyapowers15



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dirty Jokes, Multi, Sexual Humor, yes this was originally inspired by South Park
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-20 10:23:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 29,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11918880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyapowers15/pseuds/nyapowers15
Summary: I LITERALLY HAVE DONE THIS CRACK AU WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT FANDOMS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.Turns out Zarkon and Alfor are still chill with each other only Alfor is still dead and he's a hollogram. Also all the character except Alfor, Coran, Jeremy Shada, and Zarkon are 9. Yes this was inspired by South Park. This was also an AU that I have written crack fics to since I was in 5th grade to multiple fandoms.They are all fourth graders. Zarkon is the teacher. Alfor is the counselor along with Coran. Jeremy Shada is the principal. Lol good luck.





	1. Character bios

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you read, I'm letting you know that their ages are all switched up and that some things are different. (MOST OF THEM TURN TEN THROUGHOUT THE STORY)

Zarkon:  
Age: 40  
Teacher of the class. Has a desk full of horse porn. Potty mouth. Makes fun of Lotor in front of the entire class and hates when Lotor is not in some kind of pain. Just doing it for the money.

Keith:  
Age: 9  
Birthday: October 23  
Height: 4'2"

Grouchy ass. Has the worst profanity. Only eats spaghettios for lunch. Drug deals homework answers and juice boxes in exchange for milk money. Dates Lance in the elementary school type of way. Hates Lotor. Usually works with Acxa on assignments just to piss Lotor off. Favorite subject is gym. 

 

Lance  
Age: 9  
Birthday: July 28  
Height: 4'4"

Jokester. Will not shut up sometimes. Sings in Spanish. Passes notes to Keith with little hearts on the inside. Youngest of the entire class. Plays tag with Ezor on the playground. Also likes boobs. Will eat anything for lunch if it has cheese on it. Favorite subject is gym.

Shiro  
Age: 9  
Birthday: February 28  
Height: 4'3"

Dad of the class. Usually has to correct some people (usually Pidge lol). Best friends with Matt. Likes to eat cheese sandwiches (THE CRUST MUST BE PEELED) for lunch. Tends to be naive but only when it comes to things about sex and drugs. Favorite subject is science.

Hunk  
Age: 9  
Birthday: January 13  
Height: 4'4"

Cutie pie. Innocent. Doesn't like to hear class conversations about highly inappropriate things that a fourth grade class shouldn't be talking about. Confused half the time. Just wants to nap. Will eat anything during lunch as long as it's not made by someone who is not his mother or himself. Favorite subject is science.

Pidge  
Age: 9  
Birthday: April 3  
Height: 4'1"

Shortie tbh. Also a potty mouth almost as bad as Keith's. Says things that leaves Matt speechless. Smartest and constantly in arguments with Lotor that the rest of the class doesn't understand. Winner of the spelling bee because Lotor apparently can't spell 'domestic abuse'. Likes anything but peas for lunch. Favorite subject is science.

Matt  
Age:9  
Birthday: April 3  
Height:4'1"  
(Yes I made him a twin simply to put them in the same class)

The nice one. He's innocent- well may seem innocent until some points. Is best friends to Shiro, also corrects Pidge a lot for her dirty jokes. And he is also one of the smartest, almost at the level of Pidge and Lotor. Likes peas for lunch. Favorite subject is science and reading.

Lotor  
Age: 9  
Birthday: Febuary 7  
Height: 4'7"

Somewhat the most mature of the class. Thinks the most mature, by he doesn't act the most mature. He's also the smartest one in the class next to Pidge. Everyone considers him a leader most days since he's the teachers son. He likes fruit. Mainly grapes. Poisonous grapes. He hates Keith the most, and is Narti's translator (whenever she really wants to say something, she slaps her hand on his back and speaks through him) and highkey has a major crush on Allura. 

Acxa  
Age: 9  
Birthday: October 28  
Height: 4'5"

Is best friends to Ezor (although they tend to fight A LOT). She is almost like the mom of the class with Allura some days which gave them a mutual friendship. She often takes things seriously and gets frustrated when the class is distracting. She also is Lotor's close friend along with Zethrid and Narti. She also hates the school. A lot. 

Narti  
Age: 9  
Birthday: December 18  
Height: 4'5"

Narti is quite sarcastic, actually. She is sass master 9000 and is actually more sassy than Pidge. She hates Zarkon, and likes to flip him off a lot. It turned into a hobbie. She also carries her kitten around to school, often letting him brush against her classmate's legs during class. She also will roast you. Also she has an odd obsession with marshmallows. She also cries when she just wants to go home, and Lotor is usually the one to comfort her.

Zethrid  
Age: 9  
Birthday: March 26  
Height: 4'7"

Zethrid is the tough one in the class. But she's often humble. She also cracks a lot of jokes and likes to break her pencils at random times. She also was brave enough to call Zarkon a whore as a Christmas present. Will beat up someone if they bully you. Also she can do the splits and once lifted a desk and threw it out the window.

Alfor  
Age: 41  
Birthday: no one knows rip  
Height: 5'10"

Alfor is one of the counselors at the school and works along side Coran. He often stops by the classroom to hand out cookies to the students. He also knows how to play guitar and can sing really good af. He usually had disputes with Zarkon.

Coran  
Age: old  
Birthday: Issa secret shhhhhh  
Height: 5'11"

He's the other counselor and deals with anger management (usually for Keith and Lotor) and also cares deeply about all of the students. He also will give you the answers to your math homework if you pay him in those growing dinosaur pill things.

Sendak  
Age: 32  
Birthday: anything that relates to a Gemini tbh lol  
Height: tol bean

Sendak is the music and performing arts teacher. His favorite instrument is the recorder and forces the kids to play nothing but hot cross buns. He also was shocked the first day on how many sexual jokes the class was making. Pray for him he only wants love.

Jeremy Shada  
Age: 24  
Birthday: January 21  
Height: 5'9"

Jeremy Shada is the principal and ships klance. His favorite student is Lance. Also when he's on intercom he yells into it while dramatic music plays in the background. What a bean.


	2. First day

It was a good day in Voltronville.  
It was the first day of school, and there was a private school just for these characters. Honestly I don't feel like having a bunch of background characters. So this school was technically only one class. It was a 4th grade class, and the students were a bit....  
Anyways.  
Zarkon was writing super challenging questions on the board for his students. Lotor sat in the corner bored out of his mind, throwing a bouncy ball up and down. 

"Father, I don't feel like doing school."  
"Well I am giving you this education and you are going to appreciate what information I teach you." Zarkon said to the 9 year old. "Stop playing with your fidget spinner."  
"Father, this is a fidget ball." Lotor said.  
Zarkon started to crack up. "HAHAHAH FIDGET BALL."  
"Father, this is why I hate you." Lotor pinched the spot between his eyes. 

The first student walked in. It was Keith, a tiny short kid with a mullet. "You're my teacher? Are you kidding me?"  
"Sit down. You're going to deal with my being your teacher for the next 9 months."  
"I heard you could form a human child in that time." Lotor said, continuing to grow the ball up and down in the air.  
"Why is there a purple kid with a fancy accent talking about pregnancy?" Lance walked into the room with his rolling spongebob backpack with light up wheels.  
Keith made eye contact with Lance. They both squinted.  
"You...." Lance seethed.  
"You stole my raisins." Keith growled.  
"You broke my power ranger!" Lance spat.  
"Okay, I know you all don't have real problems. You are all like what- 9? Deal with your feuds silently please." Zarkon put his chalk down, sitting at his desk. 

The next student walked in. It was a little girl with white hair and a pretty dress. Allura.  
Lotor zoomed across the classroom and rose an eyebrow. "And what's your name?"  
Allura punched him straight in the stomach. He hit the ground with an oof. Zarkon began to laugh from behind his desk as Lotor's pain and suffering. Wonderful.

Acxa walked in while dragging in her friend named Ezor. "Ezor, we are in the older side of the school now! We have to behave!"  
"But my kitty..." Ezor whined. "I miss my kitty!"  
"Never fear!" Lotor got up and stood on a chair, holding out his arms. "When I see a girl upset, I drink my respecting women juice and-"  
"If she breathe she a thot." Zarkon said.  
"ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS, FATHER." Lotor yelled. 

Zethrid and Narti walked in and sat down. Narti put her head down on her desk.  
"Uh, is she okay?" Allura asked.  
"She's sleeping. Let her be." Zethrid said, throwing her backpack at her cubby.  
"But she needs to be awake to learn!" Allura put her hands on her hips.  
"You ain't the boss of her. We can go right now." Zethrid ganged up on Allura. Allura began taking her earrings out.  
"Oh it's on! Keith, hold my hoops!" She tossed her earrings to Keith. She pulled up her sleeves and threw herself at Zethrid, and down they went fighting each other on the floor.  
"Um, that is a 10 day suspension and a charge." Ezor pointed out.  
"Nah, let em have it." Zarkon shrugged, not planning on doing anything about it.

Hunk walked into the room and saw the fighting. He turned around and immediately left. 

Shiro walked in. "No! It's women disrespecting each other!"  
"No, no." Lotor put his hand on Shiro's shoulder. "You see friend, there's this beautiful thing called tumblr. Two females can fight each other, but when it's a man fighting a women, then that's when 500 triggered feminists end up in the comments."  
"Ohhhhh..." Shiro nodded. "Okay, cool." He put down his bubble guppies backpack and sat at his desk. Everyone was just quietly watching the fight.  
"Popcorn?" Keith offered Lance a random bag of popcorn out of a random popcorn machine that Zarkon just so happened to have. 

This was going to be great.

The warm up on the board was crazy af. 

1\. What type of shoes does damn Daniel wear  
2\. How many balls does Lotor have  
3\. On a scale of 1-10, how emo is Keith

 

"Anyone want to answer?" Zarkon offered. Zethrid raised her hand.  
"White vans, I'm guessing 2, and about a 50." She answered.  
"Nope. Incorrect." Zarkon shook his head. "Question 2 is wrong. Lotor has no balls."  
Lotor slammed his hands on his desk, knocking over his go Diego go water bottle. "Two." He snapped. "I have two balls."  
"No balls. He was too scared to get his shot" Zarkon smiled. Lotor sat back in his seat and crossed his arms, pouting. Matt and Pidge were laughing. 

"Alright children, today we are going to play a game of Kahoot. Whoever loses must walk to the dock of shame, sail on the boat of losers, and they can never come back. EVER."  
"What's the dock of shame?" Allura asked.  
"Detention." Zarkon put kahoot up on the screen.  
"You're just going to put someone in detention for not knowing the questions??" Allura yelled.  
"Stop being triggered, you feminist. And yes, you should all have studied." Zarkon said.  
"It's the first day of school!" Everyone yelled at the same time.  
"Wait-" Lance shushed everyone and pointed to the screen. "Why is the game pin 42069?"  
"Sounds like my kind of weed day." Keith said smugly.  
"What the quiznak, you're a fourth grader- you know what, nevermind. Everyone just put your names in." Zarkon ordered.

The names began to pop up as they all pulled out their phones that sadly this generation of elementary schoolers have. Try and guess who each of them are, dear reader. 

Lo'Real  
Mothman  
Keith's dumb  
La chef  
Acxa sucks  
Crushed.  
I'm blind  
Princess ❤️  
Badly cloned  
Stop, Ezor  
Rover  
The best glo up

 

"I can already tell who everyone is. Great." Zarkon started the game. 

1\. Is this respecting women?

There was a picture of Lotor from Voltron 84 hitting the old Allura in the face. 

"THAT'S NOT ME I SWEAR." Lotor threw down his phone.  
"Ew it looks like an old you." Ezor cringed.  
"What the hell is that animation?" Matt said, titling his head to the side.  
"That is indeed 80s Japanese animation." Hunk put his finger up.  
"Why am I blue, 30 years old, with an ugly hairline? That looks nothing like me! That can't be me!" Lotor covered his eyes in horror. 

The correct answer was yes. 

The next question came up. 

2\. What is life?

Answer one was 'beautiful'. Answer two was 'a slow unpreventable process of slow death.'

Everyone picked the second answer.  
"All you children are edgy." Zarkon commented. "Who raised y'all?"  
"A terrible father." Lotor muttered.  
"My siblings and my mommy." Lance smiled.  
"No one." Keith frowned.  
"Awwwwwwww." The whole class said. A few of them got up to pat Keith's back.

3\. What do I get high on every night?

"What." Shiro said, his innocent mind trying to grasp the question.  
"Shiro it means what does he inhale the shit out of." Keith had to explain.  
"That's a bad word!" Zarkon turned off the game. The whole class started to complain. "Everyone down on the ground, 400 push ups. 500 for Keith. And 1000 for Lotor just because I don't like him."  
"You can't be serious?" Acxa crossed her arms.  
"Do it or I'll call your parents." Zarkon threatened. Everyone screamed and got down on the ground, beginning to do push-ups. Keith was still standing.  
"But I don't have parents." He shrugged.  
"Do it or I'll find mothman before you." Zarkon pointed down to the ground. Keith's eyes went wide and he got down and began the push ups. Zarkon began walking around with a megaphone.  
"Flakes! You all are a bunch of flakes!" He yelled like a drill sergeant. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	3. Music class and spin the bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All in the title lmao

Music class.   
Some children thought it was a blessing, other's thought it was hell on earth. 

Remember plastic recorders? Those ones you paid 25 cents for and the entire class learned songs like hot cross buns and Mary had a little lamb but they were annoying af? 

Yes. Those little pieces of shit.

"What are we supposed to do with these?" Keith looked at the recorders in disgust. They were sitting in the music room in a circle on carpet squares. Yes, the good ol carpet squares.   
"I think they're sex toys." Lance whispered to Keith.   
"Oh." Keith whispered back. "I see now." 

Sendak walked into the room. He was the music teacher, and his job was to make sure they didn't completely suck before the fall program. "Hello little rats."   
"Ugh. This guy." Lotor rolled his eyes, resting his fist on his cheek.   
"You look like a rat." Said Pidge. The class gasped. Pidge shrugged. "Am I wrong?"   
"That's one warning." Sendak warned. "Okay. Everyone pick up your recorder. I know these pieces of plastic are shit but state laws require me to teach them to you. Rule number one, don't die. Rule number two, don't play these through places other than the mouth. We had an incident a few years ago and a child had to go to the emergency room."   
"Up the nose?" Matt asked.  
"No. Some place else where." Sendak answered. The entire class shivered.   
"Who does that." Ezor was blown away.   
"My mom would do that." Pidge said.   
Matt gasped. "She would not!"   
"Have you seen what's in her drawers? Some funny stuff."   
"Oh my god." Matt was shocked. Shiro had to pat him on the back. "Oh my god."   
"Lol jk." Pidge giggled.   
"What the quiznak. Aren't you all supposed to be 7?" Sendak was appalled by what he was hearing.  
"Nine!" The whole class exclaimed.

30 minutes into recorder playing and chill and Sendak has finally had enough and left the room. 

Keith and Lance were playing it through their noses. 

Hunk got his stuck in his hair somehow. 

Zethrid snapped hers in half. 

Narti threw hers against the wall and flipped Sendak off.

So now they were all alone in the music room, surrounded by all types of instruments. Xylophones, glockenspiels, drums, the piano. They were all just kinda messing around with the instruments.   
"Wait! Everyone!" Shiro stopped everyone. "I think I learned something."   
They all dropped what they were doing and surrounded him. "What?" Keith asked, his eyes wide.   
Shiro played the tune.   
Do do do do- do, do dododo.   
It was the beginning to that mii plaza song. They all clapped while he bowed.   
"Wowie." Lance cheered. "Wait play the rest of that song. While he does that, Hunk give me a beat. Everyone back up and give me space."   
"What do you think you're doing?" Keith frowned.   
"I'm making art!" Lance stood in the middle of the room. "And a one and a two and a one two three four-" 

They started the beat. Lance got into a position.   
"Uh oh." Pidge said.   
"Oh no." Said Keith.   
"Oh I can't look." Allura covered her eyes.   
"All ya ladies pop yo pussy like this, shake yo body don't stop don't miss." Lance began to twerk, making the class break out in screaming and laughter. "All ya ladies pop yo pussy like this." He grabbed his leg and held it in the air. "Shake yo body don't stop don't miss just do it now lick it good-" he dropped into a squat and came back up. "Suck this pussy just like you should. Right now, lick it good, suck this pussy just like you should!"   
The entire class joined in for the chorus.   
"My neck  
My back  
Lick my pussy  
And my crack!  
My neck  
My back  
Lick my pussy  
And my crack!" 

Keith took the lead, backflipping. "First you gotta put yo neck into it! Don't stop just do it do it!" He dry humped Lance.   
The door to the music room opened. All of them froze. It was Mr. Zarkon. All the music and singing stopped as they all stared at him.   
"What in the actual fuck." He said. "What in the actual- who in the actual- who taught you this?" He was in a state of disbelief.   
"Well father, if I do recall correctly, you taught me." Lotor smiled. "Don't think I didn't see you twerking on mother."   
"JSKDKDJDKDKDJFJ" Zarkon malfunctioned.

During lunch, the students sat scattered around the gym with their lunch boxes. "Let's play a game." Hunk threw out the idea. Everyone faced him.   
"Oh! Oh! I know a game." Lance said. "Everyone get in a circle."   
"Lance, duck duck goose is such a baby game." Ezor put her hands on her hips. "That's what we played in kindergarten!"   
"No no. This is a big kid game and it's ONLY for fourth graders." Lance said in a know it all tone.   
"Oooooo..." the whole class was interested. 

The entire class was in a circle and Lance put a bottle in the middle. "Spin the bottle."   
The class gasped.   
"But- but that's a middle school game!" Allura was blown away. "We aren't middle school."   
"But we will be soon. Why do you think fourth grade is called upper elementary school?" Lance argued.   
"What are you kids doing over there?" Zarkon called. "You better not be doing some ritual."   
"We're playing spin the bottle!" Lotor smiled.   
"Oh. Okay. As long as none of you have herpes." Zarkon went back to reading his newspaper.   
Lance spun the bottle first. It landed on Keith.   
Keith turned as red as bob the fucking tomato.   
"Welp." Pidge shrugged. "Rules are rules, man. You gotta kissssss himmmmmmm."   
Keith looked down, ashamed. "Kissing is icky. It's for teenagers. I'm just a kid!"   
"No. You are a big kid now." Zethrid said in a sing song voice.   
"Come on, Keith. We gotta do it." Lance walked over to Keith, sitting across from him.   
"Hmm. Fine! But you all better not record this shit or I'm throwing you out the window." Keith agreed.   
They squeezed their eyes shut and leaned in, pecking each other on the lips. After that they opened their eyes. They started to scream.   
The class was cheering for them. 

Lotor spun the bottle next, silently chanting in his mind Allura's name. It landed on himself.   
"Huh." Said the entire class.   
"Guess I'll have to kiss myself." Lotor said.   
"LOTOR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL THROW YOU BACK INTO THE CLOSET WHERE YOU BELONG." Zarkon yelled.  
"SORRY FATHER, IM JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO SAY NO." Lotor turned around, putting his arms behind him to make it look like he was kissing himself.   
"THats hOT." Ezor exclaimed with an excited face.   
"NO EZOR." Acxa covered her eyes. 

Spin the bottle only lasted until Keith spun it and it landed on Lance again. So Keith picked up the bottle, took it to the corner, and pissed into it. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	4. Lotor can't spell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lotor can't spell and Keith is being a smart ass.

A few days later the class was getting settled back into the flow of things. Math was way too easy for Pidge and Lotor, and they would often compete with each other when it came to math time. 

If you looked on the scales on Voltron's website, you could see that Lotor and Pidge are both maxed out on intellect and intelligence. 

You know what that means. :)

Zarkon finally had enough of them arguing on what exact steps to do on long division, so he finally told the class to stand up. The class stood, and lined up at the front of the room.   
"This was originally planned for next week. But since y'all wanna argue about simple math, let's have a spelling bee. It's time for public humiliation." Zarkon held his hands together behind his back as he walked back and forth across the room. "Keith. Spell 'soap'."   
"S. H. I. T." Keith said, then he sat down. He wanted nothing to do with a contest that based you on words.   
"Lance. Spell 'Cat'."   
"K. A. T., I'm outta here." Lance just wanted to sit back down. He sat next to Keith. Then he started to snicker. "I know there's two T's." He laughed.  
Keith had to hold back laughter.   
"Narti. Spell 'Blind'." Zarkon said.   
Lotor's eyes shot wide. "FATHER. NO."   
Narti slapped a hand on Lotor's back, mind controlling him.   
Oh no.   
"Mr. Zarkon you can go suck a wiggly fucking dick because at least I don't have a desk drawer full of horse porn." Narti said through Lotor.   
"Oooooo" said the class, feeling the burn.   
"I think he needs some aloe for that." Matt whispered to Shiro.

After many more words the remaining 2 were no other than Lotor and Pidge. Half the class rooted for Pidge, the other half rooting for Lotor.   
"Lotor, how do you spell 'pneumoencephalographically'?" Zarkon asked. Lotor spelled it out perfectly, giving Pidge a snarky look. Pidge growled.   
"Pidge, how do you spell 'pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism'?"   
Pidge spelled it out perfectly twice as fast, showing off a bit.   
"How much longer can they go?" Ezor asked.   
"They're both like equally as smart." Zethrid said. "This isn't fair, there's no end! Come on, Lotor, crush her already!"   
Zarkon gave an evil smile. "Lotor."   
"Yes, father?" Lotor crossed his arms.   
"How do you spell 'domestic abuse'?" Zarkon asked slowly.   
Lotor stared off, then completely started to stutter. "Uh... ummmm..."   
"Come on, Lotor, you can do it!" Acxa called out.   
"There's no way! He drinks way too much respecting women juice!" Hunk covered his eyes. "Oh, I can't look."   
"Well?" Zarkon teased. "Aren't you gonna spell it?"   
"Ummm.." Lotor malfunctioned. "I. I. I just-" he curled up into a ball on the ground, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. "It's just not in my vocabulary. I can't- understand it." He started to yell. "IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME!"   
"Welp. Winner is Pidge then." Zarkon shrugged. "Okay, everyone get the fuck out its time for recess."   
"No it's not." Keith was confused. It was only 40 minutes into the school day.   
"You just want us out of here so you can wank to horse porn." Lance laughed.  
"What's wanking?" Allura asked innocently.   
"Nothing, darling." Shiro covered her ears.   
"No, that's not the reason! Ugh, you kids are just so..." Zarkon frowned. 

 

After recess the entire class was back in the room singing together. Zarkon walked in. "Okay class we have a lot to learn today so let's start with a simple math problem." He began to write on the board. "What is 5x2?"   
No one rose their hand.   
"Come on, children, don't be shy just give it your best shot."  
Lotor raised his hand.   
"Yes, Lotor?"   
"12?" Lotor didn't give a fuck about math anymore.  
"Okay." Zarkon nodded. "Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy."   
"I think I know the answer, Mr. Zarkon!" Lance waved his hand around.   
"Nananannaannana..." Keith mocked Lance.   
"Shut up, emo!" Lance spat.   
"Don't call me emo, you fucking cuban!"   
"Keith!" Zarkon gasped. "Did you just say the F word?"   
"Cuban?" Keith asked cluelessly.   
"No, he's talking about fuck, you can't say fuck in school you fucking galra!" Lance slammed his pencil down.  
"Lance!" Zarkon yelled.  
"Why the fuck not?" Keith shot back.   
"Keith!"   
"Dude, you just said fuck again!" Hunk threw his arms up in the air.   
"Hunk!"   
"Who?" Pidge popped up.   
"Pidge!"   
"What? It's not like it's hurting anybody." Keith pointed out. He stood up. "Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck"   
"How would you like to go see the school counselor?"   
"How would you like to suck my balls?"   
The class gasped. Zarkon turned red.   
"What did you say?" He seethed.   
"oh sorry, I'm sorry, what I meant was-" Keith pulled a megaphone out of his desk, turning it on. "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Zarkon?"   
Zarkon stared in shock.  
"Holy shit, dude..." Hunk was speechless.  
And the whole class had to stand and face the wall during lunch.

All was good in Voltronville.


	5. Dookie in the urinal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So basically someone decides to take a shit in the urinal and that forces the principal to investigate. (Yes this was an idea from an episode of South Park lmao)

Keith giggled, as Lance followed him into the restroom. Keith hated the school, and in order to REALLY piss some of the staff off there was only one thing to do. 

On the way out of the bathroom the boys couldn't stop laughing, they had to stop in the hall to catch their breath from how much they were just cracking up.   
"Oh, just wait until they see what you did!" Lance cackled.   
"Man, I can't wait to see the look on Mr. Zarkon's face!" Keith wiped a tear. 

Lance and Keith would not stop laughing quietly at their desks and the entire class was confused on why. Acxa and Allura kept shushing at them to stop.   
There was a rapid knocking on the classroom door. The entire class leaned over their desks to try and see out the window who it was. Mr. Shada, the principal was there. The class looked at each other unsure of what was going on.   
"Mr. Zarkon, may you please step out of the room?" Mr. Shada opened the door.   
"What? Why?"   
"I need to have a little talk with your students." Mr. Shada frowned.   
"I don't even wanna know..." Zarkon didn't ask questions, and left the room pulling the door shut.   
"Are we in trouble?" Ezor said, her voice tiny. She put on the whole 'I am totally innocent' act that every child did when they thought they were in trouble.   
"No, I don't think it was you, Ezor. This is specifically aimed towards the boys." Mr. Shada said. "Boys, we have a very serious problem. I've just come from the men's restroom, and SOMEBODY, went number 2 in the urinal. Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now and it will be less painful for everybody. Okay?"   
No one said a word. Keith and Lance looked at each other and were aching to laugh.   
"You all don't seem to understand how serious this is. Who made dookie in the urinal?"   
With that, the entire class broke out in laughter.  
"Oh you think it's funny, huh?" Mr. Shada put his hands on his hips.  
The class continued to laugh.   
"Well then I'd have to ask all of you boys one by one. Lotor, stand up here and explain why you aren't the dooker."   
The class laughed, including Lotor. Lotor couldn't handle it. He tried to get up, only to flop onto the floor and hug his stomach. "HAHAHA DOOKER"   
After the laughter died down, Lotor finally decided to compose himself normally and stood at the front, beginning his speech.   
"Look, I know everyone is sitting out there judging me today but before you do, please know that I had it pretty rough growing up. I think it all started the day I was born." 

*flashback*   
"Congratulations Honerva its a boy!" Zarkon said, holding baby Lotor.   
"Oh well that's wonderful!" Honerva smiled.   
"How do you feel?"   
"Horny. Real horny. Can you put him back in so I could push him out again?" 

"I was born nine times that day." Lotor shivered.   
"Um, Lotor, what does this have to do with taking a shit in the urinal?" Zethrid questioned.   
"You're not the one, are you?" Mr. Shada concluded.   
"Nope." Lotor sat back down. 

Hunk's turn to explain himself was next.   
"I know I eat a lot of frozen burritos but I would NEVER do that!" Hunk was shaking in fear.   
"Mr. Shada, he's not the one. He's innocent." Pidge said.   
"How?"   
"He's an angel."   
"Oh tru." 

Lance's turn to explain came up and when he started to speak Mr. Shada stopped him.   
"How old are you?" He asked.   
"Nine?" Lance was confused on why he was asking that.  
"You sound exactly how I did when I was nine..." Mr. Shada rubbed his chin, wondering.   
*the entire class looks dramatically into a camera like in the office while suspenseful music plays*

Shiro went up to explain next why it wasn't him. "I never use the bathroom here because it scares me."   
Matt started to laugh. "Mr. Shada, he fell into the toilet when we were in first grade."   
Shiro turned red. "It was too big." He pouted. 

Matt went up to explain why he wasn't the one who did it. "Honestly I feel like my sister would do that and not me."   
"You right, you right." Pidge nodded. "But the bathrooms have all types of flesh eating diseases so me and Matt never use the restrooms at all." 

Finally it was Keith's turn to go up and explain. He was the only boy left. "I didn't do it." He said the best he could with a straight face, puffing out his chest "I didn't do a fucking dookie in the urinal!" He kept the straight face on as long as he could, them he cracked a smile.   
That's when everyone knew he did it.  
The boys in the class started cheering and getting up to pat Keith on the back and congratulate him. Hunk and Shiro lifted Keith up on their shoulders as the boys cheered. The girls had mixed feelings about it. Zethrid was giving a standing ovation. Ezor, Acxa, and Allura were in a state of horror, and Narti gave a slow but meaningful clap.   
"SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH!" The class hollered. Shiro and Hunk lowered Keith and Keith cleared his throat.   
"I'd like to thank Shiro, Lance, Pidge, and Hunk for all my accomplishments. It was a lot of hard work, but hard work does certainly pay off." Keith said.   
"Okay no. Hold up. You did it?" Mr. Shada was mind blown. The class got dead silent. Until Mr. Shada lit up. "DUDE THAT IS SO FREAKING AMAZING! WHO HAS THE FREAKING GUTS TO DO THAT?" He held out his fist for a fist pump.   
"I hate this class." Allura frowned.   
"I hate this entire school." Ezor put her head on her desk.   
"Right back at the both of you two." Acxa muttered. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	6. Omegle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lotor decides to take all his classmates on a wonderful omegle adventure. :)

Days later the class was in the computer lab working on digital art. Lance was frustrated and slammed the keyboard three times, breaking some of the keys off. This resulted in him sitting in the corner with her face pressed to it. 

Keith's drawing was really good. He was drawing a picture of mothman. So was Acxa, only she was drawing a picture of a raven.  
Lotor drew a picture of a family friend of his named Throk. Every time Zarkon took him over to his house, Throk would do nothing but cause terror on Lotor. So Lotor was drawing a nice little picture of Throk getting stabbed by mama June.  
The rest of the class was drawing simple things. Butterflies. Trees. Zarkon sat in the desk at the front of the computer lab secretly jacking off, luckily no one noticed.  
But I mean hey- if you in the mood then you in the mood.

Finally Zarkon just kinda left the classroom, and showed no signs of coming back.  
Okay. Leave 12 nine year olds in a room like that. What an excellent decision. 

"I got an idea." Lotor smiled smugly, exiting out of his art app and going into google.  
"What?" Acxa leaned over to see what he was doing. He was trying in something called 'omegle'. "What's omegle?" She asked, resting her chin on his shoulder while he searched it.  
"Only the best thing you're ever going to see." Lotor said. "Everyone come here!" 

All of them gathered around the computer.  
"Dude. This website seems super sketchy." Pidge said.  
"Well it's not like they can even hack us. I already put an anti virus Trojan on this computer. If anyone tries hacking, the computer hacks back." Lotor explained. In the interest box he put in 'jacob saggytits'.  
"You're going to have to teach me how to do that." Pidge was interested.  
"Nope. You're the one who always claims that you are smarter than me. Surely you can figure it out." Lotor shook his head. He clicked something and suddenly they were on a webcam. 

"Hey! That's us!" Lance pointed.  
On the upper screen, someone popped up. It was a ten year old girl with bright pink hair and bright blue eyeshadow on up to her eyebrows.  
"What the fuck." She said.  
"HEY. THATS MY CATCHPHRASE, BITCH." Keith flipped her off.  
The camera switched.  
"What?" Allura was confused.  
"It's going onto the next person." Lotor clarified. 

The next person was a middle aged man with a dick sticking out of his pants. It was rock solid bruh.  
"Woah." Lance said in astonishment. "That's a really really big pee pee."  
"NEXT ONE NEXT ONE-" The rest of them were screaming, Ezor was pulling Lotor's hair and Acxa was pressing her face into his neck to avoid looking. Instead of going to the next person, Lotor slammed his fist down. 

"Excuse me, sir. But what are you going to accomplish by flashing something so obscene to a bunch of females? Gratification? Excitement? No sir, you are not. Is that really what respecting women is all about? Let alone children?"  
"Huh?" The middle aged man was lost.  
"Respecting women is an amazing thing. Maybe you could actually get a lady if you practice. Let me teach you."  
"You're like 5."  
"No. I am 9 and a half. And I know everything about respecting a women."  
"Trust me, he does." Ezor said, still looking away from the screen.  
The man sat up and zipped up his pants. "Okay... maybe I do need a by of teaching. How do you get a women to like you?" The man asked, he seemed very self conscious.  
"Well that's an interesting question." Lotor nodded. "First of all, you have to be yourself. Embrace who you are. Who are you?"  
"Well... I sell surf boards for living." The man said.  
"Well lots of women like surfing. Perhaps get into a conversation with one, make sure you take things slow and act casual. Don't scare her off, treat her like a princess." Lotor smiled. "Because one day she might be your princess."  
"Awwwww" all the girls in the class blushed. 

"See? He's like a level 10 at respecting women." Zethrid pointed to Lotor.  
"Hey." The man sat up taller, more sure of himself. "You're right! I just need to treat women like they're the world!"  
"Girls are wonderful. They brought us into the world. They can form an actual live being, which is one of the hardest jobs anyone can ever face. Remember that." Lotor waved. "Best of luck to you."  
"Thanks man. You're a real good person." The man waved back.  
The camera switched. 

While the website was processing over to the next person, they all started to question Lotor on how he knows how to respect women so much. He simply said that he drinks his daily dose of respecting women juice. 

The next person was a teenager who had one of those anime pillows of a cat girl with big tits. He was making out with it, classy jazz music playing in the background.  
He stopped, then looked in disbelief. "Are y'all in school? Tf?"  
"Aren't you supposed to be in school?" Ezor stuck her tongue out.  
"I'm home sick." The teen said.  
"Oh, you're sick alright." Shiro scrunched his nose. "Next." 

Lotor switched it to the next person. It was a girl who looked about 12. She had crazy eyes. "OMG, A BUNCH OF FETUSES! LOOK HOW CUTE?"  
"Incorrect. A fetus is an unborn baby past twelve weeks gestation." Lotor corrected.  
"OMG YOUR LITTLE ACCENT IS SO ADORABLE!" She gasped. "ARE YOU ALL ENGLISH?"  
"No?" Matt frowned.  
"OMG! LOOK AT YOU AND THAT GIRL. YOU BOTH LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE- ARE YOU TWINS?" She was referring to Pidge.  
"Yes?" Pidge was a bit freaked out by her.  
(Disclaimer: I made Pidge and Matt twins in this since I set all the characters as fourth graders)  
"WOWIE! LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" She was referring to Allura. "YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE PRINCESS!"  
"Um... thank you?" Allura backed away slowly.  
"OMG! AND THE LITTLE EMO BOY! LOOK HOW ADORABLE. I JUST!" She started to rapidly slam her laptop open and shut, squealing so loud that Lotor covered his ears.  
"Press the next button!" He yelled over the noise. Narti quickly clicked the next button. 

Just then, Zarkon came back in. "Lotor, what type of witchcraft are you showing your little friends now?"  
"We've been caught!" Lance screeched. "We have to evacuate!"  
"EVACUATION WEE WOO WEE WOO!" Hunk panicked, running over to pull the fire alarm.  
"HUNK, NO-" the class screamed. He pulled it, setting the smoke detectors off, getting everyone wet. 

"Yo, dude come look at this shit." A dude said to his friend, waving him over to his computer. His friend looked on the screen to see a bunch of nine year olds screaming in a classroom with a fire alarm going off and water everywhere.  
"Bruh that school seem dope." Said his friend. 

Narti started to cry. You could tell when she cried because her chest would heave up and down. Lotor put an arm around her and comforted her, as the class walked out. Lance was screaming. Keith was cussing all types of colorful words. Ezor, Acxa, and Allura were all yelling in disgust. Zethrid was maniacally laughing. Shiro was scolding Hunk and Pidge and Matt were the only ones acting calm. 

And Zarkon swore to god he wasn't gon give them recess for the rest of the god damn week. 

God damn omegle.


	7. Bad puns and roasting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The class sends themselves into really really bad puns which lead to them cooking the shit out of each other. Lmao.

"Okay kids, today your assignment is to write an essay. It needs to be three paragraphs, four sentences each." Zarkon said, handing each of the papers out. "It is going to be about your favorite thing in the world. It'll be presented to the class in one hour." 

While the class was writing the paper, Keith began to tap his foot.  
With that, Lance began to snap his fingers. It was forming a beat.

"OH HELL NO." Zarkon snapped. "Not again, you two! I can't stand you two starting another song!"  
"Why the fuck not?" Keith frowned. "Our last song was awesome!"  
"You sang about a fucking orgy!" Zarkon put his face in his hands.  
"But we made it up all by ourselves!" Lance argued.  
"I guess who could say it was orgy-inal." Lotor said. 

The class was dead silent for about 4.2 seconds.

"Lotor what the FUCK." Zethrid yelled.

They all stared at Lotor in disbelief.  
"Lotor, I don't think I've heard a joke so terrible in my life." Allura shook her head in disappointment.  
Keith started to snicker. "Wanna hear a joke?"  
"It can't be that funny." Pidge said.  
"How did the scarecrow win the award?" Keith asked the class.

Oh my god. 

"How?" Allura smiled. 

There was a moment of silence. 

"Because he was outstanding in his field." Keith finished. 

Lotor started to laugh extremely loud, he was literally yelling. With him laughing like that this sent Lance into a fit of laughter too- he was wheezing. They both had the most ridiculous laughs anyone has ever heard.  
It was only them two who were laughing, and finally their laughter died down and stopped. The class all looked at each other, and all of them I kid you not started crying with laughter. 

Zarkon put his head on his desk, sighing. "Why did you all have to come to this school.. write your god damn essays." 

The class was silently writing for about five minutes when Ezor started to giggle. "Hey guys."  
Zarkon's eyes rolled way up to the ceiling.  
"What?" Hunk grinned.  
"Why couldn't the zoo take the test?"  
"Why?" Pidge began to laugh.  
"Because there were too many cheetas!" Ezor cracked up, sending the entire class into yet another fit of laughter. 

"I'm going to quit my job." Zarkon got up and walked out of the room, shutting the door.  
All of them looked at each other. 

"What do you call a cow with no legs?" Shiro stood up.  
"Why?" The class smiled.  
"PffT. GrOund bEeF." Shiro hunched over with laughter. Narti was laughing so hard she fell back into her own seat.

Zarkon walked back in. "Okay. I have just tried to compose myself. If I hear one more bad pun, then you all will get detention. I don't care who says it." 

The class gasped, wide eyed. "You can't just DO that, father." Lotor was appalled.  
"Yes I can."  
"No you can't."  
"Yes I can."  
"Eat your pants." Lotor crossed his arms.  
The class gasped in disbelief.  
"Oh he did NOT just say that." Acxa whispered.  
Zarkon actually smiled. "Okay class. For Lotor's wonderful behavior, we will have a movie day tomorrow. Make sure you wear your pajamas and bring blankets and pillows. I will make popcorn for all of you." 

"Huh?" The class was surprised. 

Welp.

"Now- I want everyone to come up here and present their papers. Keith, you're first." Zarkon ordered.  
"But it hasn't been an hour-"  
"Nope. Come up and say what you got." 

Keith grabbed his paper and stomped up to the front of the room. "My favorite thing in the world is when Lance doesn't talk the whole way through the magic school bus. He can be very annoying. Sometimes he is a fun friend to have. Other times he is just not cool. The end." 

He went to sit back down. 

"Well- I'm going next!" Lance was butt hurt. He raced to the front of the room, making up everything on the paper as he went along. "I hate Keith because of his stupid hair. It's so unorganized and stupid, that my IQ drops to zero whenever I look at it."  
"Thought your IQ was already at zero." Keith shot back.  
"Ooooo..." the class felt that.

"Well I got something to say too! It's my turn!" Zethrid got up and pushed Lance away from the front of the room. "I hate Allura because she's so stuck up and think she knows everything. I want to snap that bitch whenever I see her." 

Allura slammed her hands down on her desk, shooting up. "MR. ZARKON IM GOING NEXT." She went up to the front of the room. "I hate Zethrid because she thinks she's all tough but she's actually not. She's just insecure about everything and the fact that I can beat her up any day!" 

"OH MY GOD." Matt was losing it. "NO MORE ROASTING."  
"My kind heart can't handle it." Hunk cried out, clenching his chest. 

Acxa ran up to the front of the room. "I've had enough! I'm sick of how much Ezor can bug me for my gum! And she never even chews it, she just hides them in her desk!"  
"Acxa- I've never seen you yell like-" Lotor was shocked, but Ezor cut him off.  
"Shut it- Lotor! She yells all the time! She just never does it in front of you! She's so bossy and mean and I hate her right now!" Ezor ranted. 

"Oh you think that she's bossy and mean? Shiro took my legos away from me!" Pidge butted in.  
"You were trying to build a Russian super weapon!" Shiro threw his hands up. 

Narti got up from her seat and stomped over to Lotor, grabbing his hand and forcing him to stand. Lotor was Narti's communicator. If she really needed to say something, then she would put her hand on his back and speak through him.  
"THIS ENTIRE CLASS NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL SHOVE YOU ALL INTO MY MOTHER'S FAT VAGINA." Lotor yelled under her mind control. Then she let go of him, turned around to flip off Zarkon with both hands, and calmly walked out of the room. 

Everyone was silent. 

"What did she say through me." Lotor put a hand over his head.  
"Oh you don't wanna know." Acxa looked down, ashamed of everything that happened.  
"Where did Narti go?" Lotor frowned. He looked upset. He was never upset.  
"Zarkon, I think we all need to apologize." Allura said.  
"Okay. On the count of three we are all going to apologize." Lotor said. "1. 2. 3." 

"I'm sorry." The class said to the people they roasted.

All was good in Voltronville.


	8. Movie day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all remember the movie days from elementary school. Also Lance sacrifices the classroom to Satan.

The next day the class was super happy to come in with pajamas on. Keith was wearing a full on set of lightning McQueen pajamas and light up lightning McQueen slippers. It was his favorite set of pajamas, and he showed it off and modeled it to everyone. 

Lance showed up in his space rocket boxers. "What?" He told Mr. Zarkon. "This is what I wear when I sleep."  
"Lance. You need to be wearing something." Allura told him.  
"Well I do have my dinosaur suit in the auditorium..." Lance left the classroom to go put that on. 

Everyone else had normal pajamas. Lotor's wore those basic ass plaid ones that everyone had a pair of, only they were purple and blue. 

Acxa, Zethrid, Narti, and Ezor decided to match in cat onesies and it was so adorable. They already situated themselves by making a blanket tent and pet kova while they were waiting.

Hunk wore taco pajamas. Matt and Pidge wore Mario and Luigi suits. Shiro wore a fucking banana suit because he couldn't find any other pajamas. 

And guess what Zarkon wore.

He wore a thing of armor that he made himself, calling it "intergalactic space emperor." He found it quite fitting.  
I wonder why.

"Okay, class. Today I selected a movie that is just for you. Remember that watching this is a grade, and you will have a test on it at the end of the day." Zarkon announced.

The class started complaining.  
"Man, can't we just enjoy a movie?" Hunk complained.  
"You trust me. You'll enjoy it." Zarkon smiled, then turned on the smart board. It was a title screen. The movie was called 'The Spongebob Squarepants Movie'. The class screamed with excitement.

"YAYAYAYAAYAY" Matt was so excited that he grabbed Shiro and started to jump up and down.  
"Well I'm not scared for this test." Lance was beaming. "I lOVE this." 

"I never watched it." Lotor said. 

The class abruptly stopped their celebration.  
"You never watched the spongebob movie..?" Keith was speechless.  
"Oh my shit." Hunk gaped.  
"We must begin the sacrificial ritual of the spongebob movie." Lance said, getting out red chalk and drawing a pentagram.  
"Lance!" Zarkon yelled. "Lance stop, we're not satanists!"  
"No. We're spongebobinist." Lance ignored him, finishing up the pentagram.  
"LANCE STOP." Hunk screeched, hiding under his blanket.  
Lance got candles from god knows where and surrounded the points of the star, lighting them up.  
"LANCE." Keith was wide eyed. "DONT SUMMON FUCKING DEMONS OR-"  
"Or else what?"  
"What the fuck is wrong with this class." Lotor backed way into the corner.  
Lance stood in the middle. "We're on a baby hunt, and don't think we don't know how to weed em out!" He chanted over and over.  
The pentagram began to glow yellow and make a spongebob giggling sound.  
"FUCK IT IM DROPPING OUT." Zethrid bolted out of the room. 

Long story short.  
That day the room had to be condemned. 

So they just watched the movie in the library.  
When Zarkon first put it on, a porno came up on the screen. "oHHHHHHHH FUCK ME HARDERRRR"  
"wOaah tHATS-" Ezor gasped and stared in wonder. Acxa put a hand over her eyes.  
Pidge screamed. "THAT'S DIRTY. I LIKE IT."  
"Now THAT'S respecting women." Lotor shouted. Keep in mind these children were 9.  
"Oops. Wrong one." Mr. Zarkon apologized.

Lotor thought the movie was kinda stupid at first, and he kept whispering to Ezor asking what the hell was going on. She kept shushing him telling him to pay attention.  
When it got to the part with the double goober berry sunrise the class was cackling, and Lotor actually found himself laughing.  
Who doesn't laugh at the spongebob movie?  
But little did the class know, Zarkon snuck in a surprise.  
Right when spongebob and Patrick were on the stage yelling "WAITER" the movie cut to that one screaming girl jumpscare. The entire class screamed while Zarkon laughed. 

"God left." Lance walked out of the library, wrote himself a pass, and went home on the kindergarten bus.  
"GOD. DAMMIT FATHER- JUST" Lotor was rocking back and forth under the table. Narti walked up to Mr. Zarkon and slapped him right across the face. Zarkon was about to hit her back- but that would result in disrespecting women, child abuse, teacher code destruction, abuse of child not their own, disturbing the public, and also abuse of the blind. Narti smacked him again.  
Over and over and over. Even Kova hopped up and scratched him face, hissing.

Hunk was wailing loudly while Shiro tried to comfort him. Pidge and Matt were just eating the popcorn. 

"Now everybody, it's time to take your test." Zarkon announced after Narti finally had enough of slapping him.  
"What??" The class boomed.  
"Fuck you, Zarkon." Acxa finally said, crossing her arms. The class all stared at her in disbelief. The  
"Acxa-" Lotor began.  
"You heard me."  
Well shit. 

Narti once again flipped Zarkon off with both hands, leaving the building to get onto the kindergarten bus and go home with Lance.

During the test, there were questions like 'Did you piss yourself' and 'On a scale of 1-10 how annoying is my son'. Most of the class took is diligently. Some of them wrote very.... *cough* descriptive messages on the paper. 

Let's just say all the ones who wrote the descriptive messages got fucking detention yo.


	9. Play auditions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In fourth grade my school had a play and someone threw up during the practice...

"Listen up class." Mr Zarkon said weeks later. "It's October. You know what that means!"  
"THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN." Shouted the class.  
"NO. No. Anything but THAT. It's the fall musical."  
The class groaned. 

"Father, half of these twats cant sing." Lotor gestured. "Besides Keith, Lance, and Shiro, I think we're pretty doomed."  
"Then we put Shiro as the lead and you Lance and Keith could be his little back up singers. How does that sound?" Zarkon said in a snarky tone to Lotor.  
"Fuck no." Lotor said.  
The class gasped.  
"What did you just say?" Zarkon got deathly quiet.  
"Fuck." Lotor stood up. "No."  
The class gasped again.  
"sTOP GASPING I HOPE YOU ALL GET ASTHMA." Zarkon slammed his hands on his desk. 

"So are we working with Mr. Sendak or...." Acxa began to ask.  
"Yes. You are. You all are dismissed to the auditorium. There he will explain everything that will happen for the next week." Zarkon then told them to all get out. 

Sendak was sitting in his rolling chair rolling around the stage while despacito blasted loudly throughout the auditorium. "DESPACITO. QUIERO RESPRIRAR TU CUELLO DESPACITO." Then stopped when he saw Lance shaking his head, tsking. There was a record scratch and the music stopped. 

"Lance. What did he say?" Keith gave Sendak a disappointed look.  
"He said that he wants to breathe someone's neck." Lance then squinted, not taking his eyes off Sendak's ashamed face. "Slowly."  
The class shivered. 

"Well never mind that. Apparently I have to teach you guys the musical Annie."  
"Basic ass musical that's what that is." Zethrid said. "Can't we do Annie get your gun or something?"  
"WE SHOULD DO FROZEN." Pidge jumped up and down.  
"NO." Said the class.  
"I have to pick your roles. So I guess whoever can sing will be the front characters." Sendak got a microphone from back stage. "You all are going to sing whatever song you want to. I don't care what song. Just as long as you don't rot out my ears." 

So of course Ezor went first.  
"Ba ba black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir yes sir three bags full.  
One for Kanye and one for Kim. One for North and one for Saint.  
Oh wait, Kylie's got a lip kit and it sold out in an hour.  
And also Rob got his Instagram shut down.  
He leaked Chyna's nudes and called her gay.  
And now Chyna feels betrayed.  
He sold the bed that they had sex in. For 500 thousand to his friend." 

She bowed, walking off the stage to go sit in the seating. Everyone clapped. 

Pidge was next. She went up to the mic. "Hump me. Fuck me. Daddy better make me choke- (you better). Hump me. Fuck me. My tunnel loves a deepthroat.  
Lick lick lick lick. I wanna eat yo dick. But I can't fuck up my nails. So Ima pick it up with chopsticks.  
Mouth wide open. Mouth wide open.  
Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist.  
Mouth wide open. Mouth wide open.  
Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence." 

Matt shot up from his seat. "IM TELLING MOM."  
"YOU WONT." Pidge jumped off the stage and went after Matt, chasing him out of the auditorium.  
"Well looks like Pidge is getting a lead role." Sendak wrote it down on his clipboard.

Next was Lance. He went up and sang.  
"Desde que llegaste vida  
Me susurran los silencios  
Las flores renacen  
Apenas sube el sol  
Se ríen del inverno.  
Desde que llegaste vida  
Le hemos hecho trampa al tiempo  
Mi cura es tu abrazo  
Tu suspiro una canción  
Que me arrulla como el viento.  
Yo soy el hombre más afortunado  
Me ha tocado un ser  
El que conoce cada línea de tu mano  
El que te cuida  
Y camina a tu lado.  
Todo cambió por ti  
Todo es amor por ti  
Mi corazón te abrí  
Desde entonces llevo el cielo dentro de mí.  
Nunca jamás sentí  
Una alegría así  
Que bendición hallarte  
Al instante en que se fue la luz  
Llegaste tú.  
Me despierto agradecido  
Con tu aire yo respiro  
Tu sueño y el mío  
Se mezclan en las noches  
Como mares en los ríos.  
Yo soy el hombre más afortunado  
Me ha tocado ser  
El que conoce cada línea de tu mano  
El que te cuida  
Y camina a tu lado.  
Todo cambió por ti  
Todo es amor por ti  
Mi corazón te abrí  
Desde entonces llevo el cielo dentro de mí.  
Nunca jamás sentí  
Una alegría así  
Que bendición hallarte  
Al instante en que se fue la luz  
Llegaste tú.  
Que bendición hallarte  
Al instante en que se fue la luz  
Llegaste tú.  
Llegaste tú."

The only one who knew spanish was Keith. Lance taught him how to understand it and Keith pieced together the words. He turned red.  
"AWWWWW" Ezor pointed to Keith. "HE'S BLUSHING."  
"AM NOT." Keith shot up from his seat.

Keith went next.  
He sang the campfire song song, added the f word into some places, and sat back down several seats away from Lance. Lance kept blowing kisses. 

The other auditions were influenced by Keith's behavior and they all sang random lines, parodies, or ghetto nursery rhymes.  
For example.  
This is what Lotor sang. 

"Humpty dumpty sat on a wall.  
Humpty dumpty had a great fall.  
All the kings hoes  
And all the kings bitches  
Couldn't give that cunt no stitches."

He bowed and walked off the stage. Everyone cheered. Sendak wiped a tear from his eye. "So wonderful. So deep." He sniffled. 

Soon enough after everyone went, it was time to practice some things that they could do. Dance, acro, tap, whatever. 

So Sendak lined them all up. "Who knows what a back handspring is."  
Lotor, Ezor, and Allura all raised their hands.  
"Who knows what a back tuck is."  
Lotor, Ezor, and Allura all raised their hands.  
"Who knows what a back layout is."  
Lotor, Ezor, and Allura all raised their hands.  
Sendak groaned. "Who knows what a simple forward roll is."  
Lotor, Ezor, and Allura all raised their hands.  
"WHAT THE FUCK." Sendak yelled. "Did any of y'all ever take fucking gymnastics like normal kids." 

Lance waved his hand. "OH! OH! I TOOK BALLET."  
"hA. GAYYYYYYYY." Sendak laughed.  
"I take hip hop. But I don't know those fucking terms." Keith admitted.  
"A back tuck is a back flip. A back handspring is a flick flack. A back layout is a back flip with straight legs." Ezor elaborated.  
"oHHHHH....." the class nodded.  
Sendak facepalmed. 

Lotor and Narti took tap dance. Acxa knew how to turn. Shiro could leap as high I mentally am right now. 

"Looks like we got ourselves a show. The casting list will be up soon." Sendak said. "Now everyone get the fuck out I have a dick appointment." 

All was good in Voltronville.


	10. Cockboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they find out their roles in the upcoming play. Also Lotor almost kills Zarkon. Also the chalkboard is actually a cockboard

Days had gone past. And finally the results for the play were posted.   
"IM FUCKING ANNIE???" Keith screamed while everyone was trying to see the paper. "Are you fUcking- tHIS IS BECAUSE IM AN ORPHAN ISNT IT??"  
"Oh my god I'm Warbucks." Lotor's eyes widened. "That's.... fantastic! I'm the rich guy!" His face lit up. 

"Move your big head, Donald Trump. I'm trying to see!" Ezor shoved Lotor out of the way. "I'm Miss Hannigan? Why! I wanted to be that one pretty lady who works for Warbucks! But that's Acxa!"  
"Wonderful..." Acxa said, gloomy. "Grace Farewell." 

"I'm Rooster!" Lance jumped up and down.   
"Of course you're rooster." Hunk laughed. "I'm Bert Healy? Who's that?"   
"The radio announcer guy. And it looks like I'm Franklin Roosevelt. Of course." Matt said. "I always gotta be the fucking minor characters." 

"HA! I'm Lily. Wait. FUCK." Pidge glared at Lance. "THAT MEANS IM GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING DANCE PARTNER."   
"FUCK." Lance's voice echoed down the hall.

"I'm Pepper! I'm the mean one! Yes!" Zethrid celebrated by running down the hall and clicking her heals.   
"I'm Drake. That's the butler dude, isn't it?" Shiro questioned. 

"Narti, you're Tessie! That's one of the orphans and she has a huge dancing part." Allura pointed to the chart. "And I'm Molly. And the rest of the orphans I don't really recognize." 

"I think they're from the other school." Shiro said.  
"The other school?" Pidge asked.  
"The one down the street. It's those weird elite kids." Shiro explained.  
"UGH. I hate those big brained manipulative spoiled rich bitches with their stupid pretty hair and their stupid perfect faces." Ezor whined. "No offense, Lotor."   
"None taken." Lotor gave her a thumbs up.

So when the class was telling Mr. Zarkon about their positions, Mr. Zarkon was rolling on the floor with laughter. "OH MY GOD. KEITH IS ANNIE. THEY'RE GONNA SPRAY PAINT YOUR HAIR RED AND PUT FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE."   
Keith went up to him and kicked him straight in the gut. "I will fidget spin you out the window if you don't shut the fuck up."   
"HAHAHHA YOU HAVE TO SING THHAT TOMORROW SONG. AND AND- YOU'RE AN O R P H A N." he continued to laugh.   
"I know I kinda hate you Keith, but.." Lotor went up and pressed on the side of Zarkon's neck, knocking him out. 

"Welp." Lance said. "I volunteer as teacher."   
"No, I volunteer!" Pidge argued.   
"How about we all just sit on our phones like normal children do these days and make zero social interaction while I make sure I didn't just murder my father." Lotor smiled sarcastically.   
"Tru." The class sat down and played on their phones. 

"Shit." Lotor said minutes later.   
"Did you kill Mr. Zarkon?" Acxa stared at Zarkon's unconscious body laying on the classroom floor.   
"No. He's alive. Unfortunately." Lotor stared at his feet sadly.   
"Aw, better luck next time, bud." Shiro patted him on the back.

Mr. Zarkon woke up. The class was laughing.   
"What are you all laughing at?" He stood up.  
"Pfft. Nothing." Ezor snickered. Narti had her head on her desk, trying not to laugh.   
"Well. Looks like it's time to begin our lesson." Zarkon walked to the board and began writing. 

The class looked at each other and started to laugh. He turned. "Pay attention to the chalkboard."   
"You mean the cockboard?" Matt couldn't breathe.  
"Huh?"   
"Oh. Nothing sir." He put on a straight face.   
When Zarkon turned back around, the class started to laugh some more.

He turned back towards them.   
"What?" He asked, more sharply.  
"Nothing sir. We promise we're not being dicks to you." Zethrid laughed. The class got quiet when Zarkon's face contorted into a glare. 

He turned back around to write some more on the board.   
The class began to laugh even louder. 

"WHAT??" He demanded.   
"Nothing sir, we're just casually taking notes with our pen15's." Ezor was cackling.   
"I'm onto you kids." Zarkon pointed.   
He turned back towards the board.   
The began to laugh again. 

"WHAT????" He screamed, dropping his chalk.   
"Up north." Keith signaled to Zarkon's forehead. Zarkon went over and got a mirror out of his desk. He looked in. 

The students drew a giant dick across his forehead. He gasped. They started laughing. He gasped again.   
"SORRY ZARKON. sTop gAspiNg I hOpe yOu gEt aSthmA." Lance turned his words around on him from days earlier.   
And that's how the entire class got detention. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	11. The elite students are dicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it's rehearsal. The elite kids show up. They piss all of them off. Too bad they have to fucking work with each other lmao.

The next day the neighboring school came by to work on the play.   
As they all filed into the auditorium and the original class was sitting on the stage, they scoffed and stared at them in disgust.   
"Look at them. In those stupid uniforms. Their perfect hair. Their perfect grades." Ezor crossed her arms.   
"Yeah! And look at their stupid neatness. Their stupid maturity." Lance added. They both looked over to Lotor. "Sorry Lotor." 

"It's okay. I don't want to be apart of those preps anyway even though I would fit in." Lotor said. "They're too... basic. And they can be rude."   
"You can be rude." Allura pointed out.

"But that's only to those who piss me off." Lotor said. "Excuse my French, but my family friend Throk? Hate him more than anything. I even declared his very name to be a bad word."   
"Ugh. I know him. He's a teenager." Matt frowned. The class shivered.   
"Teenagers." They said.

The elite students all sat in alphabetical order in the seats, facing the class on stage. 

"Hello, Haggar." Zarkon said to the elite teacher. "How's your day been?"   
"Wonderful. They are always well behaved. How is our son's class?" She asked.   
"A nightmare." He sighed. 

"THAT'S YOUR MOM??" Mr. Zarkon's class all looked at Lotor. Lotor nodded.   
"Not as annoying as my dad. She's alright." Said Lotor. "She wants me in her class."   
"Oh fuck no. You're staying with us." Ezor clung onto his arm.   
"Yeah!" Acxa clung onto his other arm. 

"Welcome, students." Sendak stepped onto the stage. "I would have to introduce you all to each other. Elite school, this is average school. Average school, this is elite school. Elite school, these are going to be your major characters. I have ran all of them through and they all qualified for the major rolls. You will all be the orphans and citizens and singers and maids of Warbucks." 

"Why do they get all the lead rolls?" One of the elite citizens said. His hair was gelled back and he wore a red bow with nerdy glasses. "They aren't better then us."   
"Well, Timmy," Sendak grabbed Keith's arm, forcing him to stand. "This is your lead roll. This is Annie." 

"So is this a genderswap?" Said Timmy.   
"No. This is called a gender neutral equivalent play." Sendak smiled. 

Well at least they all respected gender equality rights. 

"In fact, you Timmy will be one of the orphans. One of the orphans who are set as a girl. Congratulations." Sendak smiled more.   
Timmy hmphed. 

"YEAH! He's Annie because he's the best one!" Lance stood up, defending Keith. "He can reach high notes and dances really good, and his acting skills are better than any of yours. Have you seen him in the improv club? He's amazing and I love him so you better love him too!" Lance hugged Keith. 

"Mothman ain't real." Said another one of the elite kids, her eyes falling on his shirt.   
"HE IS TOO." Keith growled. 

"Okay okay, children. Let's not get into a fuss. Our school is diverse. We have children who are good in multiple fields and usually only stand out in one. You all stand out in all, but that doesn't create diversity. The world needs that." Sendak said.   
"Wow, Sendak." Zarkon was amazed. "You're actually a deep person."   
"I can be. Only if I'm not fighting a team of ignorant teenagers in a castle full of mechanical lions in an alternate reality away from here where I'm actually in a full out space war with you as my ruler." Sendak rocked on his heels. 

Crickets could be heard. 

"Mechanical lions in a castle? A space war? Zarkon as an evil ruler?" Allura questioned.   
"I had a dream about that once." Shiro said.   
"Me too. Only we were older and different ages." Hunk said. 

Everyone in the room all dramatically stared into an imaginary camera like the office.

Huh. 

"Nah! That sounds impossible!" Zethrid bursts out laughing.   
"A space war? That sounds ridiculous!" Zarkon slapped his knee.   
"Lmao me as some prince? HAHAHAHA" Lotor wheezed. 

"Okay everyone shut the fuck up." Sendak did that weird clap thing that all elementary school teachers did back in the good ol days. All the students responded. "We have to get to practice. Now the lyrics are a bit changed up, so we're going to go ahead and start off with the iconic song of tomorrow. Keith stay center stage. Everyone else get off the stage and take a seat." 

Keith was handed a lyrics sheet. He was appalled by what the lyrics were. "Dude this isn't even in the ballpark of child friendly."   
"Just sing it." Sendak said. "Now."   
The music came on.   
Keith gulped. 

Later on after rehearsals, everyone was getting used to their cues and lines. Choreography would be last. But that was the least of their worries. October 23 was opening night, and also Keith's birthday. They had weeks to work on it. 

Meanwhile during one of the breaks, something bad happened. 

"No, I'm pretty sure that when you round your numbers, you round it to the hundredths place for final answers, and to the tenths for working on it." Argued a little boy named Joseph, who was Lotor's age. 

"That doesn't even make sense! If you round to the tenths in the beginning, then how are you supposed to show that you know what the hundredths are? That just shows lack of consistency!" Lotor yelled in his face. Johnny grabbed Lotor's shirt. 

"Are you asking to fight me?!" Yelled Johnny.   
"Yes! Let's fight!" Lotor punched him dead in the stomach, and Johnny hit him back.   
"Your hair is stupid! You have a bunch of dead ends!" Lotor yelled.   
"Well your fingernails aren't evenly trimmed! That shows laziness!"   
"Well at least I don't have a unibrow!" 

Johnny gasped. "You did NOT-"   
"Yes I did, bitch!" Lotor continued to pull at Johnny's hair as they rolled around on the auditorium floor. 

"WOOOOO GO SON GOOOO" Zarkon cheered. Haggar gave him a look of annoyance. Zarkon cleared his throat. "Okay you two, break it up!"   
"Are they having sex?" Acxa asked innocently. "I didn't know Lotor was gay."   
"No. They don't even have their clothes off. Wtf." Ezor shook her head.   
"Y'all are nasty." Lance stuffed his face full of popcorn as they watched the fight go down while they wore 3D movie theatre glasses. Narti sent her cat up to get a closer look. Shiro, Hunk, Matt, and Allura watched in horror. Keith and Pidge amused.  
"BEAT HIS ASS. BREAK HIS LEG." Zethrid was jumping up and down. "C R U S H HIM."   
"ZETHRID NO." Everyone in the auditorium yelled. 

The fight stopped. Zarkon had to lift Lotor off of Johnny. Blood was dripping from Lotor's nose and his hair was a wreck. Johnny had scratched that looked like a dick on his cheek. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	12. ABUELITA IS COMING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The character of Abuelita rightfully belongs to the author of dirty laundry. Please silence all cell phones and sit up straight with you're back pressed to the seat. Keep all hands and feet inside the vessel at all times. Hang on tight and enjoy your ride!

The next day there were no rehearsals. And on top of that, Zarkon didn't show up. This sent the class into a panic, and Lotor refused to answer any of their questions of where his father was. Instead, Keith walked in to Lance grabbing his arms and shaking him violently. 

"ABUELITA IS COMING!" He screamed in Keith's face. "LIMPIAR! LIMPIAR!" 

"Woah dude what the fuck?" Keith pulled away from him. "Abuelita who?"  
"His grandma is our sub." Allura said. 

"Oh. Well why is he flipping out?" Keith rose a brow, but Lance threw his arms around and gestured all over the room.  
"THIS CLASSROOM IS A MESS AND SHE'S A HOMOPHOBE. AND IM BI." Lance exclaimed. "SHE'S GONNA JUDGE US. QUICK WE HAVE TO GET IT OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS." Lance then pulled Keith into a kiss as the class stared at them literally fucking making out in awe. 

"wOWIE." Pidge smiled. Matt recordeD it. Narti started to slow clap.  
"HOLY JESUS I SEE TONGUE." Hunk looked away. 

9 year olds. Fucking 9 year olds.

Keith pushed Lance away. "Woah duDE. CALM THE HELL DOWN. WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT."  
"NO!" Lance shouted. Then it looked like his very soul left his body when his eyes fell on something behind Keith. Keith turned to see an old Hispanic lady who kinda looked like a bitch standing in the doorway. 

"How's my grandson?" She held out her arms. Lance didn't want to be rude, so he went up and gave her a hug. "Mi amor.." 

"So lady you gon teach us or what." Ezor put her hands on her hips.  
"Ezor, don't be rude." Acxa whispered, nudging her.

Abuelita walked to the front of the room and began writing on the board 'Lesson One: Why pickles are never to touch.' Everyone sat down.  
The class started to silently laugh. Lotor was literally choking. Shiro had tears running down his face. 

"¿Abuelita, Qué es esto?" Lance asked. 

"Cállate." Abuelita put up her middle finger. 

"Well fuck you too." Lance muttered. 

"I don't agree with this lesson. I'm fucking gay." Keith stood up on top of his desk. "It's bullshit."  
"Why are you standing on your desk?" Abuelita crossed her arms. Keith turned white.  
"Because I don't wanna be ignored. Also the air is better up here." Keith explained. "Also I really hate this lesson. Not that I would fuck anyone or anything because I'm only turning 10 in two weeks but-" 

"But what?" Abuelita argued.  
"Ooooooo...." the class all looked at each other.  
"Is that a challenge?" Keith squinted. 

"I HATE THIS LESSON." Lance slammed his palms down on his desk, shooting up. "ABUELITA THIS IS DUMB."

"I haven't even began it yet."  
"It's about how dicks don't go with dicks!" Zethrid yelled. "And I read yaoi all the time!"  
"Dicks? God sakes no. This is a cooking lesson. Pickles should never touch because that will cause the taste to be too centered." Abuelita tsked, shaking her head. "You young children are too dirty. Much too dirty." 

"oooooohhhhhhhhhhh....." Keith and Lance nodded slowly.

"Also dicks. Dicks can't touch either." She smiled evilly. 

"NOOOOOOOOO" the class all yelled in terror, some falling to the floor and crying while that dramatic emotional music from spongebob started to play.  
"IM GONNA BE A VIRGIN FOREVERRRR" Keith cried out. "Even thoUgh I'm juSt a kIDDDDD...." 

"Oh. Bummer." Lotor stared down at Keith rocking back and forth on the floor. 

"SHUT UP LOTOR AT LEAST YOURE STRAIGHT." Keith looked up at him, his eyes red.

"Nope. I'm not anything. I don't prefer to be shipped with my friends. I prefer a villainous friendship. Also I'm 9 man what the fuck." Lotor argued. "Excuse my inappropriate language there."  
"Lotor, hate to break it to you, but if dicks can't touch then yaoi is not possible and if yaoi is not possible then Zethrid can't read it and if Zethrid can't read it then that is disrespectful to her and since she is a girl then that is therefore in fact not respecting women." Shiro explained. Lotor's eyes shot wide. Then his face dropped as he dropped his pencil on the ground. 

"What." He said, deathly quiet. "That just- what- waiT. NO MS. ABUELITA WE NEED TO HAVE GAY. THE WORLD DOESNT REVOLVE WITHOUT IT."  
"YEAH! AND ALSO WITHOUT GAY I CANT DO THIS." Lance pulled Keith into a kiss for a second time that day, and Abuelita went pale. 

"LANCE CHARLES MCCLAIN." She snapped. 

"I DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT." Lance broke the kiss as Keith fell backwards and hit his head on the edge of the desk behind him. 

\--

Mr. Shada walked into the room to see what the fuck was going on. He could've sworn he heard chanting from down the hall. He needed to check on the kids. 

He opened the door to the classroom and saw Abuelita tied to a chair and her mouth taped shut. Remember the pentagram Lance made on movie day? Well they activated that and now it was glowing. Also the entire class was marching around her in a circle. Allura was wearing a full on fucking cape with a dick painted on the back of it. Keith was holding two pickles high above him, and to make things worse, the girls were wearing grass skirts and the guys had their shirts off and had Indian painting all over their chests.

"GAY IS OKAY. GAY IS OKAY." The class was chanting. 

"Okay wait what." Jeremy Shada was extremely confused. "What is going on?" 

"ABUELITA DOESNT BELIEVE IN GAY RIGHTS. AND ALSO ZETHRID ISNT BEING RESPECTED." Lotor yelled, he was holding a full on real actual torch. 

"YEAH! AND ALSO SHE YELLED AT LANCE AND LANCE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE CANT DO THAT!" Hunk raised up a pitchfork. 

"Where the heck did you guys get riot stuff from?" Shada was even more confused.

"THE DOLLAR STORE DOWN THE STREET. I GOT THEM THIS MORNING. DONT WORRY I HAD A BATHROOM PASS." Ezor answered, throwing rainbow sparkles up in the air. 

"Well good thing you had a bathroom pass. As long as you kids are following the school code of conduct then I don't care." Mr. Shada smiled. 

"AND THATS NOT ALL. SHE DOESNT LIKE ME AND LANCE KISSING." Keith stopped the marching. 

"SHARK BAIT OO HA HA." The class all shouted at the same time as the marching was halted. 

"Woah woah woah. What?? She doesn't ship klance?" Jeremy Shada ripped his shirt off, revealing that he too indeed suddenly had Indian paint. He bested his chest. "WE MUST START A SACRIFICE." 

"What are we sacrificing her to?" Matt asked. 

"ANIME!" Pidge threw her fist up. 

"YEAH!" The class agreed. Jeremy Shada joined the marching. 

When Abuelita was successfully sacrificed to anime, they all stopped marching again and looked to the ceiling. 

"VICTORY SCREEEEEEEECH." Lance battlecried. "LOLLOOLOOOLLOL"  
"LOOLOLOOOLLOOLO" the class joined in. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	13. Hall Monitor Helen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes. Detention. Yes I did get this off of Brandon rogers lmao.

Detention. It was an awful thing. The ones who had it were usually Keith and Lotor. Keith because he was the trouble maker, and Lotor because Zarkon just didn't like him. 

But right now Pidge, Keith, Lotor, Lance, Ezor, and Narti all had detention. Why? Because they decided to set one of the trees outside on the playground on fire. Then Keith decided to take a piss on the ashes. 

Detention was not ran by Zarkon, but no other than Hall Monitor Helen. 

Keith was running down the hall to make it to the detention room on time. He saw Hall monitor Helen holding a megaphone and she yelled into it. "Stop running you little asshole." 

The detention room was their old classroom that they used in third grade when Josh Keaton was their teacher. Haha funny stuff. Keith sat down. Keith wasn't trying to get another detention, because his next one would result in him having Saturday school. 

As Hall Monitor Helen walked in she continued to yell into the megaphone. "Get your work done this is detention not the trailer that you come home to." Then her eyes fell on Lotor. "You look like a god damn troll." 

"Thanks." Lotor gave her a thumbs up. 

"He doesn't look like a troll, he looks like a god." Ezor said. 

"No talking. This is a place of silence." Helen sat at the desk and kicked her feet up. "Why don't you get your math done before you get pregnant." 

"You're being rude. Wtf. I hate this place." Keith rolled his eyes. 

"Well maybe you wouldn't be in detention if you stopped playing with the other boy's assholes." Helen said sarcastically. Keith leaned back in his chair and whined. 

They were working on their homework silently after that. Except for Lance, who was beginning to draw a very obscene picture. It got too quiet after that. Helen couldnt take it. "What do each of you want to be when you grow up besides drug dealers and gang bangers?" 

"I want to be a doctor." Pidge said. 

"You want to be a doctor? I wanted to become a ballerina and you know what I became? HIV positive." Helen stood up and began walking around the room. Lance folded his drawing up and passed it to Keith, but Helen grabbed it out of his hand. "Passing notes you little asshole?" She opened it up. "Oh that's very clever." She opened it up. It was a picture of her getting gang raped. "Who drew this?" 

All of them stared at it in awe. "Wowie." Ezor breathed. Narti started to giggle.

"Oh don't laugh, Narti. This is a good night for me." Helen kept the picture. "You know what happens to little girls who wear shorts that short? A white van picks them up and they get all their holes resized." 

"Oh my god." Ezor cracked up.   
"That is NOT respecting women." Lotor facepalmed.

"Not you, Ezor, you're never getting molested." Helen went to sit back at her desk. The children looked at each other and had to keep from laughing. "All of you little assholes are going to go nowhere in life." She went to write up something on the board, but Narti picked up her lunchbox and threw it at Helen. The children all laughed. Helene turned around. "Suck my left tit, baby, you just got yourself another hour." 

30 minutes later, Helen fell asleep. 

"I'm gonna sneak out." Lance whispered to Keith. 

"To where?" Keith whispered back. 

"To the bathroom. This classroom smells like AIDS." Lance said, as he tip toed over to the door and walked out the room.   
Helen shot awake, and she did a head count. "Someone's missing. That Cuban little shit." 

She walked out of the room.   
Oh no. 

"Keith, go save him before he gets his ass kicked." Pidge said. "I'll keep you covered."   
"Are you sure?" Keith got up from his seat.   
"Yes. Quickly." Pidge shooed him away. 

Keith went out into the hall. He didn't see Hall Monitor Helen or Lance. 

Meanwhile, Lance was hiding in the bathroom when the door opened. Shit. Hall Monitor Helen poked her head under the stall door. "BUSTED SHITHEAD." She opened the stall door and Lance felt his soul leave his body. "Thought you could smoke the marijuanas?"

"What? No." Lance walked out of the stall. 

"You just earned yourself three weeks of detention, young man." Helen said, and that pissed Lance off. Lance then ripped her shorts right off of her and ran for it. "Fuck!" She ran after him, sounding the alarm on her megaphone. 

From down the hall Keith would hear the alarm noises. He caught Helen running for Lance, and caught up to grab her arm. "I have to tell you something!" He said urgently. He was stalling so Lance could get away. He pulled her to the side. 

"Alright, I'm coming, god dammit." She complained. Keith pulled her to one of the corners. "What did you bring me all the way over here to tell me?" 

"I'm gay." Keith said. 

"You're gay? Well what a surprise. And nobody else know about this?" Helen looked shocked. Keith nodded. She sent him back to the detention room. 

Keith and Lance were both back in there with the rest of the detention kids. 

 

"Principal Shada, I got terrible news." Helen busted into Mr. Shada's office. "You know Keith? The fourth grader? Gay. Told me this afternoon." 

"Okay, and?" Mr. Shada was confused. "I'm not gonna do anything about it." 

"The hell you mean you're not gonna do anything about it?" What Helen didn't realize was that her pinky was on the button for the announcement system. 

Back at the room, the class was listening on the intercom. It was Hall Monitor Helen's voice. "He's probably out there right now getting his hole pressed to the size of a shower drain. Tells me my god damn cookies taste like shit, but they like the taste of cock, well that fags got another thing coming to him." 

"Oh my god!" Keith and the rest of them busted out laughing. "I told her I was gay." 

"Noooo!" Ezor threw her head back. Lotor was laughing the loudest, for the first time ever.

"It's okay to be gay." Lance said. "So why the fuck is she saying all that shit?"   
"Hmm. I don't know, maybe because she's a crazy psycho?" Lotor pointed out in the most sarcastic way possible.

"Well when you're gay you get to do this." Keith tackled Lance out of his seat and onto the floor and started to lay kisses all over Lance. 

"WOAH." Ezor yelled. "THAT'S PDA AND IM AFRAID THAT I MUST CALL THE POLICE!" She ran over to the microwave that was on Hall Monitor Helen's desk. She began to type in 911 into the buttons. 

Hall Monitor Helen walked in and instantly saw Keith and Lance and left. They heard her yell into her megaphone and down the hall "Principal Shada, I'm gonna need back up the kindergarteners are raping each other."   
"FOURTH GRADERS." They all yelled out at her.

By the way, that was a normal day of detention. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	14. Keith's birthday (truth or dare)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it's Keith's birthday. They decide to play a little game of truth or dare as well :). Also Lotor once did something really bad at Walmart.

It was Keith's birthday.   
October 23. He was the first one in the class to turn 10. I know it makes no sense since Keith is one of the younger characters of Voltron, but since I set them all in the same grade I'm going off of the order of their birthdays. I don't give a shit. 

Keith came into the classroom in a full out red ranger suit. "FUCK YEAHHH!" He cheered, pumping his fist. "TODAYS. MY. BIRTHDAY." 

"What the hell." Zarkon looked up from his desk and gave Keith a questioning look. 

"DOUBLE DIGITS, BABY. LET'S GET IT!" 

"Why are you wearing that?" Mr. Zarkon sighed. 

"It's my birthday. I can do whatever the fuck I want." Keith put his chair on top of his desk, then sat on top of it. "Bow to me, peasant."   
"Oh tru."   
"ITS MY DOOD'S BIRTHDAYYYYYY!" Hunk came bolting into the room with a birthday present. He handed it to Keith. 

"Oh boy!" Keith began to tear it open, and he pulled out a bunch of McDonald's Big Macs. "MY FAVORITE FOOD." 

Fun fact. Keith likes fast food. 

"How tf? You're a twig, Keith." Zarkon said. 

"IM A TWIG OF POWER!" Keith yelled. "A BRANCH!" He took a bite out of the first Big Mac. 

Lotor walked in, coming back from printing copies of an assignment for Zarkon. "Okay. I know it's yo birthday Keith. My present to you is that I'm not gonna be mean to you today." 

Keith wiped a tear. "That's the best present anyone can have." 

"AHHHHHHHHH" Shiro came barging into the room, carrying a wagon with a giant present inside. "Keith! HERE IT IS!" 

Keith hopped down from the little throne he made. He opened the box. Lance popped out, struggling to hold a baby hippo. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD!" Keith started to bawl. "ITS SO CUTEEEEE!" 

"Is that an actual baby hippo?" Zarkon looked closer at it. "Oh my god, how did you guys get that thing?" 

"Issa secret." Shiro put his finger to his lips.

Pidge and Matt walked in wearing tap shoes. They were wearing their Mario and Luigi costumes. "Okay." Pidge looked 100% done. "Turn on the song." 

"YES!" Keith got out his phone, turning on the song deepthroat. Matt and Pidge promised him a tap dance to that song. Wonderful. 

Ezor and Acxa walked in. "OH YEAH WE GOT CUPCAKES." 

"Lotor told us to. Since you were so excited for your birthday." Acxa set the cupcakes on one of the desks. "They're strawberry." 

Keith looked over at Lotor in disbelief. "You told them to bring these? For me?"

Lotor shrugged. "Tch." 

"LOTOR HAS A SOFT SIDE" Lance sang in a singsong voice.   
"Shut up." Lotor crossed his arms. 

When the class all got settled in, they all stared silently for a minute on Keith up on his makeshift throne. "Is that even safe?" Zethrid tilted her head to the side. "Like you're on the chair on the desk."   
"Ye. It's perfectly safe. See?" Keith rocked the chair back and forth. 

"I hope you fall at some time today." Zarkon turned to the board. "Okay time for a warm up." 

1\. What is my dick size  
2\. Am I a pedophile  
3\. Explain why I'm a pedophile

Acxa raised her hand. "You're dick is the size of a tic tac, you are a pedophile, and you are a pedophile just because of question one."   
"Correct, Acxa." Zarkon said. "See class? If you pay attention in class, you might actually get the correct answers. Thank you Acxa."  
"What the fuck." Pidge was disgusted.

"I think we should have a class party for Keith. All in favor say I." Lance raised his hand.   
"I." the entire class.  
"Dang it." Zarkon knew that since it was indeed an executive vote, there was nothing he could do on it.

So they threw a party. They were supposed to be rehearsing for the musical that night, but instead they were blasting Lolli by Justin Bieber and Lance was grinding on Keith and Zethrid was twerking. 

"We should play a game." Allura suggested. 

"TRUTH OR DARE!" Lance jumped up and down. "TRUTH OR DARE!" 

"YES!" Ezor jumped up and down with Lance. 

Oh no.

So they all got into a big circle, drinking their drinks and shit. "Lotor, truth or dare." Keith smiled mischievously. 

"Ugh." Lotor rolled his eyes. "Truth."   
"Tell us the Walmart story." Keith said.   
"NO!" Lotor slammed his soda down on his desk. "NO WAY!"   
Zarkon always talked about the walmart story, well, he mentioned it several times. But he never really actually told it. It was Lotor's most embarrassing story ever, that he swore that he would never tell. 

"Lotor..." Hunk sang. "You have to do it..."   
"No." Lotor crossed his arms.   
"I'll tell it." Mr Zarkon began to walk around the room. Lotor slumped in his seat. "Once upon a time when Lotor was 8, I told my neighbor Throk to pick him up from the dentist. Lotor was under the laughy gas, because he had to get two teeth pulled. Throk has just begun to drive so I thought, why not. So I ran to get a couple of things and signed Lotor out and Throk got him. They decided to go to Walmart. Lotor doesn't remember any of this since he was drugged up, but Throk told me the entire story. When they had walked into the artist section, Lotor ripped open a pack of markers and decided to draw dicks all over the floor and on himself. Then he took off his shirt and started to run around the entire store screaming Deepthroat. He also gave one of the markers a blowjob. The next day it was on the news but it blurred his face and hid his name." 

"OH MY GOD!" Shiro laughed. The class bursts out in laughter. "WHAT THE FUCK."   
"I SAW THAT STORY BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS SOME OTHER KID." Matt was dying, Pidge was wheezing. 

Lotor began to shyly smile and chuckle. "Okay. I guess it was kinda funny." 

"DUDE. THAT'S LEGENDARY." Lance slapped his knee. 

"Okay Keith." Lotor smiled evilly. "Truth or dare."   
"Dare." Keith challenged him.   
"I dare you to do the same thing, but it has to be at the mall."   
"NO!" Keith fell on his knees. 

 

So they hitched the bus to the mall. Zarkon was all hands on deck with this. Keith actually did it. He also got banned from the state of Arkansas even though they were not in Arkansas. 

When they got back to the school they continued the game. Keith still had dicks drawn all over him. "Acxa. Truth or dare." He said depressingly.   
"Truth."   
"Do you get paid by Lotor to terrorize me."   
"Yes."   
"Okay just wanted to know." 

"Ezor." Acxa said. "Truth or dare."   
"Dare!" Ezor was excited. 

"I dare you to make out with the smart board for nine seconds." 

Ezor made out with the smart board. Lance got aroused by it and had to leave the room. 

By the end of the game, Matt broke his finger, Narti's cat was on top of the flagpole, Hunk was in the corner hugging his knees and weeping, Lance was ass naked and drunk, Shiro was going through photosynthesis, Zethrid was doing the splits on Zarkon's desk, and Pidge was hanging upside down off of the roof of the school. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	15. The Musical (which went horribly wrong)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ABUELITA LINKED THE GATORADE WITH ACID JUST TELLING YOU NOW

It was time for the show. All the parents were sitting in the audience.  
When the show started off, Keith was on the set of the bedroom at the orphanage. While Allura, Narti, Zethrid, Timmy, and Johnny were pretending to sleep. The music started. 

"Maybe far away, or maybe real near by, gay dating websites will give you, a fuck buddy...." Keith sang. Hey man. He was just singing the lines. 

"Annie! Annie!" Allura called, who was playing Molly, the youngest of the orphans. Keith went over to her. "Annie, I had a bad dream." 

"It's okay, Molly." Keith hugged Allura.   
This was Zethrid's cue to shoot up.

"YALL BITCHES BETTER BE QUIET." Zethrid stepped over all the orphans. "IM TRYING TO GET SLEEP." 

"Shut the fuck up, Pepper, no one likes you." All the orphans said together. 

"Annie, I'll fuck you up. I'll take you out behind 7-11 and whoop yo ass if you don't-" 

Ms. Hannigan, played by Ezor, walked into the room. "Did I hear singing?" 

The orphans were dead silent. 

"OOOOO THEY ABOUT GET BEAT!" Sam Holt yelled from the audience, earning a bunch of other parents shushing him. 

God dammit Mr. Holt.

"Sing again." Ezor warned. "I dare you." 

Music started up. Keith began to sing. 

"Maybe far away. Or maybe real near by.   
He'll be there pouring her acid  
She'll be there smoking the weed  
Maybe in a house.   
A crack house by the hill.  
Won't you please come get your baby?  
Maybe--" Keith sang. 

"Booooo." Ezor crossed her arms "Now all you little rats better get up and start cleaning!" 

"But its two in the morning!" They all whined. 

"Now!" 

 

The music to hard knock life started playing. Uh oh. 

"It's the hard knock life, for us!" Keith sang.   
"It's the hard knock life for us!" The rest of the orphans joined in.   
"No one cares for you, a homo  
When you're living in a trump sponsored home!  
It's the hard knock life!  
Got no folks to speak of so  
We're lonely and homo  
And Annie is the most  
Gay out of us all!  
It's the hard knock life!" 

"Don't it feel like the wind is always howling?" Timmy sang  
"Don't it feel like we're always stuck in the closet?" Allura joined in.  
"Don't it feel like pornhub is always blocked?" Zethrid did a cartwheel.   
"Don't it feel like xvideos has bad acting?" Keith did a backflip. 

"No one cares if you want the gay rights"   
"No one cares if you grow or if you shrink." 

The song went through several more lines about gay sex videos and yaoi. It ended on a high note of Narti doing a roundoff back handspring. It was pretty lit. Most of the parents were speechless, but Sam Holt gave a standing ovation. 

Wonderful. 

As the play went on, it was starting to get real gay. Keith or 'Annie' won the vacation to Mr. Warbuck's mansion. (Who was actually Lotor) 

"Who is this?" Lotor asked, now the set was switched to the mansion. He wore a tux.   
"This is Annie, the orphan who won the gay contest? He's the most gay and fit the description perfectly." Acxa explained, playing the role of Grace Farewell. 

"I want boys in my asshole." Keith did a backflip.

Backstage Ezor was drinking Gatorade that was provided to everyone in the play. She was the only one who drank it, but she noticed it tasted a little funny. That's weird. 

 

When it came up to the part where Miss Hannigan sang 'little girls', Ezor was drunk af. She wobbled out onto the stage. Well I mean, it was technically in the song that the character got drunk, but Ezor was actually seriously really drunk. 

All of her words were slurred, and the audience all clapped when she nailed the acting. But then she grabbed the mic for the narrators up in front. She spoke into it. 

"Acxa, think she aLL ThAt." She smiled and pointed aimlessly out into the audience. "BuT she mY bEst fRENNNNNNNNN. And she cAlleD mE dUmb. She bETRAYED ME." 

Zarkon pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn't in any of the lines.

 

From backstage, some of the other kids noticed that the Gatorade did taste really weird. Lotor then noticed Ezor's drunken speech and gasped. Oh no. 

Keith wobbled out onto the stage, even tho it wasn't even his turn. "WELL EZOR HERE, THinK shE coUld Just CARTWHEEL ACROSS MY BOYFRIEND." 

"KEItH, ME aND LANCE HAD A TAP DANCE DUET." 

"BUt tHats mY BOYFRIEND." 

Lance walked out on stage. The audience had no clue what the fuck was going on. "YEAH. AND WHEN WE GET OLD ENOUGH Me aNd kEith arE gonNa FUCK" 

"NOOOOOO!" Abuelita screamed from the audience. 

Hunk came out on stage. Thank god Hunk was sober enough to compose himself. "I apologize but SOMEONE LINKED THE GATORADE BACKSTAGE WITH CYANIDE AND HIGH LEVELS OF VODKA AND I THINK WE NEED TO RUN." 

"C Y A N I DE?" The audience yelled in terror. 

 

So long story short, the play didn't finish. Even the students from the elite school were drunk af. The only two who didn't drink it were Hunk and Lotor, Hunk because he liked Powerade and Lotor because he was smart enough not to fucking drink it. 

So they all had to go to the hospital. They all hit the matrix way too hard. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	16. Tornado warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pray for Lotor 2k17

You know what's funny? 

Tornado warnings. 

"Okay class, I have an announcement." Zarkon said weeks later, in mid November. "There will be a big fall dance next Friday. Make sure you all bring yo heels, yo weaves, yo dresses, and yo Kylie Jenner lip kits." 

"YES! Lance will you do to the dance with me?" Keith got down on one knee and proposed to Lance with a ring pop. He gasped, covering his mouth. He gladly said yes. 

"Oh Shirooooooo...." Hunk wiggled his eyebrows. Allura was looking away, and Matt and Hunk both pointed to her. Shiro turned red. 

Just as he got enough courage to choke out her name, Jeremy Shada came on the intercom. 

"OH MY GOD HOLY CRAP WOWIE THERE'S A TORNADO WARNING WITH AN EF-4 TORNADO AND ITS HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS OUT SCHOOL." 

The class began to screech. Keith flipped a desk. Narti ran and slid into one of the tables, knocking it over. Hunk began to wail. Lotor rolled his eyes and continued to quietly work on his math class work. Pidge shrugged and said "we're all going do die at some point anyways." 

Matt clung onto his chair. Acxa was confused. Allura was dropping the F bomb. Ezor was sobbing while Lotor had to pat her head. Zethrid was cheering. 

"Alright!" Yelled Shiro. 

A little boy about their age named Max walked into the classroom. "David, where the fuck-" then his eyes widened. "Shit wrong fandom." He walked out.

The class was silent. 

"We all need to get into the lower floor, don't we? That would make most sense." Shiro pointed out. "Instead of panicking." 

"Shiro's right! Let's go." Keith said. The class filed out and ran down to the lower floor. 

Zarkon followed. 

"Do you have to do that childish covering our heads with our asses sticking out thing or-" Lotor asked his father. 

"Oh fuck no. That's really childish." Zarkon said. "Only if you want to live." 

Lotor looked out at the entire class. "I don't think any of us want to live." 

"Yeah." The rest of the class agreed.

"Yeah but if we die today then we gonna miss the new season of Dance Moms." Ezor pointed out. 

"NooooooOooo!" The class cried out.

Coran and Alfor came down the steps. They were the school counselors, in charge of calming down the students.

"We're here to sing you all a little song!" Coran cheered, skipping down the hall. Alfor carried a ukulele. 

Protec those beans at all costs.

"Ugh. You two again." Zarkon rolled his eyes. 

"Rip father." Lotor smirked.

"I'll rip your ass if you don't shut up." Zarkon warned, making everyone stare in awe. 

"What." Lotor said.

"What." Zarkon pretended to act confused.

There was a silence.

"I think it's time we called child protective services." Hunk suggested.

The counselors quickly changed the subject and started their first song. "I love you. You love me. Let's get together and smoke some weed-" Alfor sang

"In a one puff two puff three puff four." The class sang. "Goodbye to our high IQ scores." 

Lighting struck and thunder shook the building. The lights went out.

"Fuck." Keith muttered. 

"Well there goes little rays of hope." Allura put her face in her knees.

"I like the dark because it helps me express my feelings through my soul." Acxa said darkly. The class started to snap their fingers and throw flowers that probably came out of all their asses.

"That was beautiful." Ezor wiped a tear.

"Truly magnificent." Zethrid sniffled.

"Lol you fucking goth." Matt laughed. Savage.

"That is NOT RESPECTING. FUCKING. WOMEN!!!!!" Lotor got up and smacked Matt so hard that it gave him the scar on his cheek.

"HEY! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SMACK MY BROTHER BUT ME!" Pidge shot up, challenging Lotor. Jeremy Shada along with the other staff sat in lawn chairs at the end of the hallway watching all of it go down. They ate popcorn. 

"Or else what." Lotor squinted. "You'll load a virus onto my computer?" 

"Watch me." Pidge clenched her fist like the Arthur meme. 

"Ooooooooo......" everyone put on 3-D movie glasses. 

But a roar from outside and what sounded like a train erupted. They all gasped. 

"Fucking- I swear to god-" Shiro got up and walked towards the outside doors on the end of the hallway. 

"ShIROOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO!" Everyone begged.

He went outside, staring the tornado right in the face. "Hey you! Yeah you! You think you're so tough?!" 

The tornado stopped moving. "Who, me?" It said, confused. 

"You think you're just all that aren't you? Well guess what? You're not!" 

The tornado started to cry, and Shiro felt bad. "Look. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that. It's just that-" 

"No, no." The tornado sniffled. "It's okay. Nobody thinks I'm good enough anyway. I don't even think I'm good enough for myself." 

"Well on the bright side, your form is great. You're a symmetrical tornado. Also you're a wedge tornado, boo you thicc." Shiro complimented. "Work that ass." 

"Really?" The tornado said, realizing that it was indeed THICC. "Wow, thanks!" 

The others from the class came outside to see where the voice was coming from. 

"Everyone say hello to this tornado. They thicc." Shiro introduced the tornado to the class. They all waved hi. Lotor however, didn't give a shit.

"Are you a woman?" Lotor asked.

"No." The tornado answered.

"Well then I can't respect you. You're dumb." 

The tornado started to cry, diminishing.

 

And that was the end of the tornado warning.


	17. Minecraft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they’re not actually at school. Instead they are all on the same server at their houses.

The class a few nights later decided to all get onto the same minecraft server. It was a night of no homework, so why tf not. 

Keith yelled into his mic. “SOMEONE STOLE MY FUCKING DIAMONDS AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF NO ONE GIVES THEM BACK IM GOING TO SHOVE MY PICK AXE UP MY ASS.” 

“Oh like you haven’t done that before,” Lotor laughed. “I know the way you are.” 

“Tf MANNNNNNN.” Keith slammed his controller down. “Watchu mean.” 

“What I mean is you’re lonely.” Lotor said. The entire class felt that burn. Damn Lotor was in a savagery mode.

“I’m building a giant dick statue.” Ezor was indeed making a house that was shaped exactly like a dick. Who gave a nine year old that privilege I don’t know.

“SHIRO YOU FUCKING WHORE!” Lotor yelled into the mic when Shiro stole an iron block from Lotor’s house.

“HEY!” They all heard Lotor’s mom yell in the background. “You yell again and I swear to god!” 

Lotor grumbled, killing Shiro. Shiro started to sob, and Allura had to cuss Lotor out.

“Man I wish Pidge and Matt were on here.” Hunk said, trying to drown himself in the game. He needed a suicide hotline and quick.

“They said they were too cool for minecraft.” Zethrid said in the voice from that spongebob meme. “TheY tHinK tHey oWn tHe eNtiRe WorLd!!!!” 

“Lance, what are you doing?” Lotor questioned why Lance was twerking on a tree.

“Keith said if I performed a dance for him he would give me his French Fries tomorrow.” 

French Fries are so important they need to be capitalized.

“What the fuck.” Acxa jumped into one of the rivers along with Hunk, trying to kill herself.

“Lotor, I’m going to steal yo diamonds.” Keith teased. 

“NO!” 

“Oh look here they are.” 

“KEITH YOU FUCKER NOOOO.” 

Suddenly they could hear Lotor struggling. “IM SORRY. NO NO. IM SORRY. IM SORRY.” 

Oh no.

“I want you to look at me, and I want you to listen to something.” They heard Haggar say. “Alright. You’re retarded.” 

Keith heard Mr. Zarkon burst out laughing in the background. 

They heard sniffling, then Lotor left the game.

“Awwww dang it.” Ezor whined. 

“Do y’all want to hear my rap song?” Lance said out of nowhere. 

Pidge and Matt joined the game.

“What the hell.” Said Pidge.

Lotor joined back into the game.

“You could be the rapper, you could be the best, you could be the one to touch my breast.” Lance rapped. 

“Never mind.” Lotor sighed at Lance’s rapping. He left the game again.

“Dammit Lance.” Zethrid punched Lance off a cliff, killing his character. Lance started to scream despacito in anger.

A few minutes later Lotor returned to the game. “Hey what’s up cunts.” 

“oH.” Shiro gasped. “That language is new.” 

“Clink clink bitch the new Lotor is in town.” Lotor said, salty. Damn.

“KATIE WHY DID YOU RUIN MY HOUSE.” Matt screamed.

“DONT CALL ME BY THAT NAME CALL ME FUCKING PIDGE YOU KNOW THIS. ALSO THAT WAS A GOD DAMN CREEPER DUMB ASS.” Pidge yelled.

“IM GONNA STICK THIS FINGER INSIDE YOUR FUCKING VAGINA.” Matt shot back.

“Ewwwwwwwww” Pidge cringed.

“Dude what the hell??” Lance laughed.

Hunk left the game. It was time for Hunk to leave. He has seen enough.

Narti left as well. She left a giant middle finger statue for everyone in the game to look at. She also added fire to it for a nice touch.

“Man I’m out of steak.” Keith said.

“Well go to the supermarket.” Lance replied, running off with all of Keith’s steak without Keith realizing.

“We’re in survival mode how the fuck am I going to get to the supermarket.” 

“There was one time that I was at the super market and this lady came up to me and was like ‘how old are you.’ So I said ‘nine’ and she said ‘you look like a guy wanna go out’.” Lance said out of the blue. 

There was a long pause. 

“What the fuck.” Ezor cackled.

“I’m concerned.” Acxa slammed her face into her keyboard.

“Guys there’s a moving dirt block!” Keith yelled. Lotor was wearing a dirt block skin, he literally looked like a moving dirt block. He began to hit him. 

“Idiot! That’s me!!” Lotor yelled, but then Lance and Pidge joined in. They all punched Lotor into a cave, killing him. “UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!” He screamed into his mic, literally making everyone get feedback noise in their headphones. Painful.

Suddenly they could hear Haggar yelling in the background. “WHAT DID I SAY” 

“No! IM SORRY! I WONT DO IT AGAIN!” 

“GO TO BED.” 

“ITS 7:46.” 

“NOW.” 

Lotor left the game. 

“Did you just bully my best fucking friend.” Ezor growled. Oh no. 

“I swear to GOD.” Zethrid said darkly. Uh oh.

“I’m gonna kick all your asses.” Acxa warned. Whoops.

“mmmMmmMmMmMmMmm!” Narti seethed. 

And that’s how Keith got sent to the ER with a butt plug up his ass and Matt’s hand glued to his back at 2 am with the entire neighborhood on fire.

All was good in Voltronville.


	18. Show and Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk sadly never got a show and tell :( Lance literally went twice for him

The next day it was time for show and tell. All elementary schoolers did it. 

So everyone brought in different things to show the class. Some didn’t actually have to bring in anything. First up was Shiro. 

“I can burp my abc’s. Ready?” He took a deep breath. 

“Oh fuck no.” Mr. Zarkon put his face in his hands. 

“A B C D E F G—“ Shiro stopped, dying on the floor. 

“SHIRO NOOOOOOOooOoOo!” Keith started to cry. 

“lol just kidding.” Shiro got up from the floor, sitting back at his desk. 

Next up was Narti. Narti simply went up to the front of the room, flipped off everyone, did a backflip, then did jazz hands. Everyone clapped. As she went back to her desk she smacked Lotor.

“What was that for?” Hunk asked. 

“Narti and Lotor got into a fight and Lotor hit her in the face with a lego and now Acxa, Ezor, and Zethrid all are mad at him.” Keith explained.

“Ohhhhhh....” Hunk nodded. Lotor sighed. 

“I need new friends. Can you be my friends?” He said to Keith. 

“Sure thing.” Keith patted his back. 

Welp. There you go. Season 4.

Next up was Pidge. She grabbed a vibrator out of her bag and went to the front of the room. Zarkon started to laugh.

“This is a big DS stylus! I found it in my mommy’s drawer and I was wondering why she would buy something so big!” 

“PIDGE.” Matt screamed. 

“And get this! It came with its own bottle of some kind of DS screen cleaner!” She held up a bottle of lube.

“PIDGE NOOOOOo.” Matt screamed.

“THATS NOT WHAT THAT IS, PIDGE.” The class yelled. 

“Lmao I’m just playing I know exactly what it is.” Pidge sat down.

Lotor was next. He sat in a chair at the front of the room. “Wanna see something cool?” 

“Go head.” Zarkon said. “You better not disappoint me, you disappointment.” 

Lotor put his hands behind his back, and without taking them apart, put them over his head and to his front. You could hear a bunch of cracking. The class screamed. 

Next was Keith. He went up to the room and pulled a knife. “LOOK.” He waved it around. He then threw it. It hit Zarkon in the face. 

So they took a little break :) 

Three days later they continued with show and tell. 

“For my presentation I wanna show you all a dance I can do!” Lance said, a stripper pole at the front of the room. He swung around it, doing all kinds of poses. Keith had to leave the classroom for a little bit because of... personal reasons.

Next was Zethrid. Zethrid went up to the front. She picked up Zarkon, and threw him out the window. 

So the class took another break :) 

Some time later, they finished up their show and tell. 

Matt went up and showed everyone how to twerk. It was a very good lesson. It was beneficial for their education. Keith twerked on Lance. Lance kept yelling. 

A fourth grade class can be so beautiful. 

Next was Acxa and Ezor. They went up and showed everyone their easy bake oven. Ezor rewired it so that way it could go into M A X I M U M O V E R D R I V E. 

“We need a volunteer.” Ezor said. Zethrid volunteered. 

“Oh this could NOT end well.” Lance put his face in his hands, looking away. 

“Now what we need you to do it put your hand in the easy bake oven.” Acxa said.

“Y’all better not break my trust like Lotor did to us.” Zethrid warned. Lotor slumped in his seat, crossing his arms and letting out an over dramatic ‘HMPH’

Zethrid our her hand into the easy bake oven. Ezor set it into maximum overdrive. 

....yeahhhhhhh

Zethrid didn’t trust them so much after what happened next.

Next was Zethrid. She showed the class her 3rd degree burns. 

Next was Lance. He told Keith to come up to the front with him. 

“I swear to god if you two start making out then I will fire my god damn self.” Zarkon groaned. 

“We weren’t going to. We’re singing a song together!” Lance jumped up and down, excited. Keith strummed his guitar. They began to sing together.

“There was an old farmer  
Who lived on a rock  
He sat in the meadow  
Just shaking his 

Fist at some boys  
Who were down by the crick  
Their feet in the water  
Their hands on their 

Marbles and playthings  
And at half past four  
There came a young lady  
She looked like a 

Pretty young creature  
She sat on the grass  
She pulled up her dress  
And she showed them her 

Ruffles and laces  
And white fluffy duck  
She said she was learning  
A new way to 

Bring up her children  
So they would not spit  
While the boys in the barnyard  
Were shoveling 

Refuse and litter  
From yesterday's hunt  
While the girl in the meadow  
Was rubbing her 

Eyes at the fellow  
Down by the dock  
He looked like a man  
With a sizable 

Home in the country  
With a big fence out front  
And if he asked her politely  
She'd show him her 

Little pet dog  
Who was subject to fits  
And maybe she'd let him  
Grab hold of her 

Small tender hands  
With a movement so quick  
And then she'd bend over  
And suck on his 

Candy, so tasty  
Made of butterscotch  
And then he'd spread whipped cream  
All over her 

Cookies that she had  
Left out on her shelf  
If you think this is dirty  
You can go f**k yourself!”

 

“OH.” The class was speechless. 

“Never mind I’m not you guys’ friend anymore.” Lotor got up and left the room.

“GREAT. LOOK WHAT YOU DID, KEITH.” Lance yelled in Keith’s face, leaving Keith shocked. 

“THE SONG WAS YOUR IDEA. NOT MINE. YOURS. YOU JUST WANTED A BACKUP SINGER BECAUSE YOU CANT REMEMBER THE WORDS.” Keith shot back. 

“Ooooooo.....” Hunk covered his mouth in disbelief. Narti pulled out popcorn and 3D movie theatre glasses. 

“WeLL AT LEAST I CAN REMEMBER wHo mY MOTHER IS.” Lance screamed. 

The class gasped. 

“How do you all not have god damn asthma yet from all that gasping?” Zarkon didn’t feel like separating the argument. He was just there to get paid. 

Keith started to cry. He ran out the room. “I SAID I WOULDNT CRY.” 

“GOD DAMMIT LANCE.” Ezor said. “That not how a boyfriend is supposed to be!” 

Lance instantly felt bad. He started to cry himself.

“Well none of this would’ve happened if Lotor wasn’t a bitch to Narti!” Zethrid yelled. 

“What does Lotor have to do with any of this?” Lotor came back into the room. “LOTOR APOLOGIZED ALREADY.” Lotor was so upset that he started to speak in third person. 

Narti flipped him off. She then wrote on the board in big bold letters ‘SUCK THIS FUCKING COCK, LOTWHORE!’ 

“Guys! This isn’t good for us! We can’t solve conflicts this way!” Pidge slammed her hands down on her desk. 

Hunk went over to the corner and started flipping everyone’s behavior cards to red. “THIS IS A N A U G H T Y CLASS!” 

“EVERYONE SHUT UP.” Acxa stood on her desk, screaming. “JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” 

The class got reallllll quiet. Acxa never yelled like that. 

“Lotor, you should’ve apologized to Narti sooner! And Hunk, why did you flip my card?! And Lance, you better damn well apologize to Keith or I will get into a gun fight with you! And Ezor, we have to say sorry to Zethrid for burning her hand! And Mr. Zarkon- TELL MATT TO STOP TWERKING!” Acxa snapped out. 

Matt abruptly stopped twerking on the class hamster cage, turning around. “Huh? Someone say my name?” 

Keith walked back into the room, overhearing all of this. The class all apologized to each other. Then everyone was friends again :) 

All was good in Voltronville.


	19. Polar Express part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will be the shortest part, next chapter will be the story on the trip up and the third part will be when they’re there. PART 2 WILL HAVE SOME REALLY DIRTY JOKES JRKFKFK

Alas, winter was upon them. It got really super cold, and Lance thought that Elsa had went haywire. Frost was on the ground. Students huddled and shivered together under the slide during recess, so Zarkon had to end recess early. 

So when they were back in the warmth of the classroom, they couldn’t have been happier. Also, Zarkon had an announcement. 

“We are having a field trip on Christmas Eve.” He wrote it across the board. The class began to cheer, then they stopped. 

“Wait a minute. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be spent with family?” Matt scratched his chin. 

“What family.” Keith muttered. The class all started to sniffle and hug Keith. 

“Aw, let me play you a sad song on the world’s smallest violin.” Zarkon began to move his fingers, playing sad music on a tiny violin. 

“Father, we cant be doing a field trip that night.” Lotor crosses his arms.

“Well your mother and I would go on the trip with you all.” 

“But everyone in this class has to spend it with their families. And I want them to be able to.” Lotor argued.

“Awwwwwww, Lotor does care about us!” Hunk gave Lotor a big ol hug. 

“Look. The field trip is something that you guys may have seen before. It’s from 9-1 am. It’s not that long.” Zarkon squinted.

“Where’s it to?” Lance asked.

“North Pole.” 

“Oh fuck no.” Keith yelled. “I just almost froze out at recess and we’re in freaking America!” 

“Yeah! And how is it physically possible to get to the North Pole in a few hours with normal transportation?” Pidge put her hands on her hips.

“We are taking a train.” Zarkon drew a crappy picture of a train on the board. Kinda ended up looking like a dick.

“Why a fucking train? There’s nothing but ice up there!” Zethrid growled.

“You’d be surprised.” Zarkon winked. “NARTI-“ 

Narti had her middle finger in motion. 

“Don’t you do it.” Zarkon warned. 

“It’s too late.” Acxa smiled slyly.

“I’m warning you.” 

“It’s already in motion.” Ezor added. Narti’s middle finger continued to move up, when finally, the time came, 

It was a full on middle finger. 

Flip off Zarkon mission complete. 

“You piss me off.” Zethrid stuck her tongue out at Zarkon. 

“This class is absolutely ridiculous and I think I’ll just go throw myself out the window right now.” Shiro began to walk towards the window. Shiro has finally had enough. 

And that’s how Keith bit Zarkon’s leg and Shiro ended up with a broken ankle. Matt didn’t want to go on the field trip, so he blasted ‘all I want for Christmas’, put on a Christmas hat, and began to twerk on Zarkon’s desk. He was then sent to the counselor. 

“That’s it. This trip is mandatory. You will be held back if you don’t go.” 

“Oh my ducking god.” Lance grabbed his own hair in anger, and started screaming despacito. 

—

Three weeks later, the field trip was put into action. 

Christmas Eve. 

9 o clock at freaking night. 

On winter fucking break. 

‘CHOO CHOOOOOOOO’

Keith groaned into his pillow, getting up from his bed. The ground was covered in snow. The train was there. It was time.   
“I swear to god I just want to sleep.” He grumbled to himself, ripping his bathrobe off his bed frame and ripping a hole into it’s pocket. Marbles fell out. He got on his Lightning McQueen slippers on and ran out his front door. 

On the train, Zarkon was on a stupid conductor’s uniform. “ALLLLLL ABOARD.” 

“I bet you’re just having SO MUCH FUN with this!” Keith did jazz hands as he got onto the train. 

“Right I am.” Zarkon nodded. 

When Keith hit onto the train, most of the rest of his class was on there. They played around, singing joyful songs and all in their pajamas. 

“Keith! Sit with me!” Lance pulled on Keith’s arm. Keith sat down next to Lance. “Turns out there is a North Pole and a Santa!” 

“No. There is not.” Keith frowned. 

“Why don’t you just believe in him?” 

“Because Lance. I’m an orphan. I don’t get presents often.” Keith leaned back into his seat. The train started to go. 

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Lance got a sad look on his face. He gave a peck on Keith’s head. 

So let’s let this trip begin.


	20. Polar Express part 2: LEAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bread.

About the thirty minutes later Haggar had an announcement. 

“Mr. Zarkon wanted tell you all that we are entering Canada.” 

“WHAT.” Everyone on the train was shocked. They looked out the window to see snowy pine forests. 

“BUT ITS BEEN LIKE 30 GOD DAMN MINUTES.” Zethrid exclaimed.

“This train is satanic I swear to god.” Lotor put on a cross necklace and took a sip of holy water. “The devil ain’t gon get me today.” 

“EVERYONE SHUT UP MY BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO TAKE A FUCKING NAP.” Lance yelled at everyone. Keith was in his arms. 

“Zarkon, we should’ve had the school dance instead.” Hunk referred back to how they were supposed to have a school dance a month before. Of course that got cancelled because Matt and Pidge set off an atomic bomb in Antarctica and got everyone suspended. 

“Well this is more fun.” Zarkon smiled.

“No.” Pidge sat down in the middle of the train floor and crossed her arms like a toddler. “I’m not going.” 

“Well we can drop you off in the middle of Canada, if that’s what you want.” Haggar pointed out the window.

“But their healthcare sucks.” Pidge whined.

“Doesn’t our healthcare suck too?” Shiro questioned. Everyone dramatically stared to the same point of direction while dramatic music played.

“We only have one solution- we move to Korea.” Allura decided.

“Which one?” Acxa crosses her arms. “Don’t wanna get them mixed up.” 

“I VOTE NORTH.” Ezor fist pumped. Everyone looked at her.

“Okay. Have fun starving.” Matt said.

15 minutes passed.

“Man I’m thirsty.” Keith woke up. 

“What kind of thirsty, though?” Shiro tilted his head to the side.

“Thirsty for this boneless pizza.” Zarkon put on shades, taking a sip of lean. 

Lotor rolled his eyes and let out an overdramatic sigh. “You fucking normie.” 

“No, it is actually boneless pizza.” Zarkon said. Just as he said that, a bunch of waiters in tap dance shoes rolled out into the train car. Music started.

“LEAN LEAN. OH WE GOT IT. CLOUT CLOUT. YEAH WE GOT IT.” They sang. “LEAN LEAN. HOT LEAN.” 

“You have gOT to be KIDDING ME.” Keith woke up, unamused by all the clout.

“HEY WE ONLY GOT ONE RULE, NEVER EVER DRINK TOO FAST, IF YOU DRINK THE LEAN TOO FAST, YOU’LL HAVE A BAD TRIP, AND KMS YOUR ASS.” Zarkon sang into the intercom of the train. 

“I want to die.” Shiro didn’t smile once throughout that entire song. He watched blankly as the seats flipped and turned into tables and the waiters did gymnastics and shit while pouring the FUCKING FOURTH GRADERS lean. 

“Oh cool.” Ezor chugged her lean down in one gulp. The music came to a halt. The waiters and everyone else on the train stared in disbelief. 

“I think we might want to google the nearest hospital.” Haggar suggested.

“No. Immmmmm finnennnnemeneee.” She said as if in slow motion. Well fuck. 

“Ezor-“ Acxa caught Ezor before she fell flat on her face. 

“Okay guys. Do y’all know why lean makes you so slow?” Zarkon said.

The entire class groaned. 

“If you make this another god damn lesson then I’m jumping off this train.” Shiro said. 

“Agreed.” Matt opened one of the windows. Everyone yelled at him to close it back. It was negative 100000000000000000009900004884939393387374737383757473883837373747377373737373637464647473772727282728288272727373736466474828282828192837737373737464739384884838474747477381935483828927474919290293748302857437199364748858858188288835375:75:$50:5:07/@26/64@4$/“$4/4)/64”:6:6”4:64::6:65:86/46/4/6/86/6/5-649/52079726249496164-8496/96479269/46/946929642972962791692970729727926299722792799727296197297172997292772979297297229757929625793397366325628525246624642462647948285025872(79695257958/8650/86(&?)7,4,@ degrees. So he did.

“Once upon a time Codene met a cell. A Eukaryotic human brain cell. Many more cells too, in fact.” Zarkon started with story time. “Codene then said to the brain cell to come over to her house because she ‘had a surprise for him’.” 

The class started to shout, all their dirty minds knowing what the surprise was going to be. 

“OHHHHH BRING IT AROUND TOWNNNNNNN.” Keith hopped up and started to move his hips in a circle.

“No not that, all you dirty minded heathens.” Zarkon said.

“Why are we having a fucking science lesson on a train in a country that’s not ours at 10:00 at night?” Lotor started to bang his head on the train window.

“Well the two decided to have a good time. A REALLY good time. The brain became overloaded, causing everything to slow down. THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A FOURTH GRADER DRINKS LEAN TOO FAST. EZOR.” Zarkon yelled over to Ezor, who was slumpedddddd.

“How long is this going to last on her?” Acxa held Ezor’s giggling self.

“1 hour. It should wear off after that.” Haggar shrugged. 

“Man, we didn’t even get to the boneless pizza.” Zarkon hmphed and walked out of the train car like a baby. Then he came back, screaming. “GUYS, OH MY GOD-“ he pointed out the window. Suddenly everyone noticed the train was on an ice lake, and the ice was breaking. Everyone started to scream.

“I DONT WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” Lance cried out. Shiro sighed. Finally. Death awaited them.

To be continued....


	21. Polar Express part 3: NARTI NO.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FUCK.

“FUUUUUUU” Matt and Shiro got on top of the seats, screaming as the train was about to break through the ice. On the other side of the ice lake was a small passage where the railroad continued, but they were still about a minute from it.

“SHIT. WE’RE GONNA DIE.” Zethrid screamed. “EVERYONE COVER YOUR EYES. EVEN YOU, NARTI.” 

Narti scoffed, then began to walk out of the train car while all of this was happening.

“SHE’S LEAVING THE BOX CAR.” Zarkon yelled. “SOMEONE GET HER JTJFKKF.” 

“OH MY GOD.” Haggar yelled. “YOU GO GET HER.” 

“NO, YOU GO GET HER.” 

“NO YOU!” 

“Uh, guys!” Keith pointed out the window. The ice was now breaking in huge chunks and the train was cheating death. They all screamed louder.

“LORD PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS.” Lance cried out.

“I STILL HAVEA SLICE OF PIZZA IN THE FRIDGE I CANT DIE NOW.” Pidge screamed.

“GUYS. NARTI.” Lotor freaked. When everyone wouldn’t stop screaming, he knew what he had to do. 

He shoved his sleeves up his arms, puffed out his chest, and walked out of the box car.

Narti was on top of the roof. What was she doing there? She was about to escape life itself. When she saw Lotor, she got ANGERY. She ignored him.

“NARTI.” Lotor started to climb up the ladder. “NARTI, PLEASE.” 

Narti was about to jump.

Lotor screamed when Narti jumped, But was able to catch her hand. She hung from his arm. 

*cue dramatic movie music and Lotor’s hair blowing in the wind* 

“Narti, I’m sorry I threw a lego at your face weeks ago. I truly am. But please don’t let go.” He begged, tears dropping from his eyes.

Narti flipped him off with her free hand. He gasped. 

“NARTI PLEASE.” 

“MmMmMmMmMmmmm!” She yelled.

“IM SORRY I TOOK YOUR CHEERIOS.” 

“MSMDMFkkfkd!” She yelled again

“ILL LET YOU BRAID MY HAIR.” 

She nodded. 

Zarkon overloaded the train’s systems with LSD. The train went into maximum overdrive and got them out of the ice lake.

As they approached the Arctic Circle, there was nothing but ice. It was strange and quiet, the children all beginning to settle down into drowsiness. Lotor slept calmly in the corner of the box car, cuddled with a Dora blanket. Hunk was 100% slumped, and Allura was as well in their seats. 

“There’s literally nothing out here, is there? It’s so... strange.” Shiro had his head pressed against the cold window.

“Where did Keith and Lance go?” Zarkon asked the class.

“They’re probably making out again.” Acxa shrugged.

“They gonna get pregnant just watch.” Ezor yawned.

“That’s not how that works, Ezor.” Zethrid patted Ezor’s shoulder. “But you’re doing amazing, sweetie.” 

Narti was asleep, her head against Ezor’s shoulder and Kova in their laps. 

Man, this was all so innocent and cute.

“Where’s that music coming from?” Matt suddenly heard something coming from the box car behind theirs.

“Sounds like singing.” Pidge got up. “I’ll go check.” 

Pidge went to the rear of the train, and the singing became more clear. She saw Lance standing in the middle of the aisle, and he shushed her. Keith stood on the back porch of the train, singing out into the empty frozen ocean.

“The best time of the year, when Black Friday starts  
We eat a whole bunch,  
For thanksgiving and stuff.  
All the things I’ve heard about  
Because I’m an orphan  
Makes me sad  
When Christmas comes to town.” Keith sang, his voice small. 

Lance slowly snuck up on Keith, and Pidge watched. Lance started to sing.

“The weirdest thing about  
the time after Halloween  
Is that online websites  
Make everything expensive  
I try and buy stuff for you  
But I’m really fucking broke  
I feel bad  
Because I’m not Donald trump.” He stood next to Keith. Keith frowned. Lance continued.

“I buy presents for you Keith  
And I will find a way” 

“Because you made me realize  
I’m really fucking gay” Keith sang

No one will be sleeping on  
The night of Christmas Eve  
Because I am on my way....” They both sang together. 

“When we are finally back” Lance sang

“At school after this shitty trip.” Keith smiled.

“We will remember this night.” 

“Because Santa’s homophobic.” 

“We’ll take him down like Abuelita, Donald Trump, and Putin.” They both sang together again. “That’s all we want when Christmas comes to town. That’s all we want when Christmas comes to town....”  
The music died away.

“What the fuck.” Pidge scowled.

“AYE YO LITTLE CUNTS ITS THE NORTH POLE.” Zarkon yelled, pointing out the windows. Off in the distance there was a city, lighting everything up. They were literally at the top of the world. It was getting litttttyyyyyyy.

Everyone started screaming.  
When they got there, Keith, Lance, and Pidge were all still in the back box car. When they all approached the city, lo and behold, they were at the take off place for Santa’s sleigh. 

But Santa was a late ass bastard. They stood waiting for him with all them high ass elves, but he wouldn’t show up.

The clock was about to strike midnight.

“Lance, if we don’t get back in time for Christmas I’m going to whoop your ass.” Keith declared.

“Why?” Lance’s voice did that annoying high pitched whiny tone little kids used when something didn’t go their way. 

“Because I said so.” Keith hmphed. 

“Dad, it’s cold as fucking balls out here. Can I go inside somewhere?” Lotor tugged on Zarkon’s conductor’s uniform.

“No whiny ass bitch. Don’t even go to mom about it she ain’t even know she yo god damn mom.” Zarkon crosses his arms.

Lotor walked over to Keith. “Wanna get out of here?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then lets go.” Lotor grabbed Keith’s arm. Lance stopped them. 

“I’m going too!” He slammed his foot down.

“Well- if Lance is going then I’m going!” Ezor jointed in.

“Okay, But no more people.” Lotor said. “We gotta be sneaky.” 

They snuck through the crowd of elves, towards the city.


	22. Polar Express part 4: strip club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> F UCk.

In the North Pole city, things were not expected for Lotor, Keith, Lance, and Ezor. They thought things were going to be all hohoho and merry Christmas, but it was more like hoe hoe hoe and happy no nut November. 

“What is that?” Ezor pointed to a building that was blasting with colorful lights and party music. She then read the sign. 

‘Santa’s Little Helpers’

“Let’s go in! It’s freezing out here.” Keith ran towards the entrance.

“Keith, I don’t think we should-“ Ezor was unsure. Lotor pulled on her hand. 

“Let’s just go.” 

When they walked into the building, they saw a bunch of female elves in lingerie and dancing on stripper poles.

“WOAH.” Keith’s eyes widened. 

“OH MY.” Lance smiled.

“Those are some big titties...” Ezor was in awe.

“Do any of y’all got cash? I need to respect these women.” Lotor held out his hand. Keith reached into his pocket. 

“Uhhhh...” he pulled out a quarter and a chewed up piece of gum. “I got this?” 

Lotor took it. “Perfect.” He ran up to the stage, pushing past the male elves. He threw the quarter and chewed up piece of gum at the strippers. “WOOOOO.” 

“Want a lap dance?” A stripper elf asked Keith. She was his height and had a huge ass.

“Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” He pointed to Lance.

She looked over at Ezor, who put her hand up. “No way, sister.” 

She cried. “I KNEW I WAS UGLYYYYY.” She ran off.

“Lotor! Come on! We can’t be in here forever!” Ezor stomped towards Lotor, grabbed his ear, and dragged him away from the stage.

“Hey kids! Want some drinks?” An old man elf called from the counter of the bar. 

“Oh, do I!” Keith ran over, hopping up onto the seat.

“Oh god no...” Ezor put her face in her hands.

“Hey, as long as he’s not making out with Lance, I’m happy.” Lotor whispered to her.

“What do you want?” The bar tender asked, cleaning out a glass.

“Give me something that is so strong that it almost kills me but actually doesn’t.” Keith slammed his hand down. “Hit me up.” 

“Okay. One weed powered monster energy drink with liquid meth, coffee, cocaine, tequila, martini, and flinstones dinosaur gummies coming up.” 

“Keith.” Ezor sat in the stool next to him. “What are you about to do.”

“Living like Larry, that’s what.” Keith hopped up and down in his seat. 

“Keith, you’re going to kill yourself.” Lotor sat in the stool on the other side of Keith. The bartender slid a neon green glowing drink at Keith.

Lotor and Ezor watched in horror as Keith chugged it down in one gulp.

“Hey, that wasn’t that-“ Keith began to say, but stopped. He fainted, falling out of the chair.

“Oh my god.” Ezor gasped. Lotor looked around. 

“Wait. Where the hell is Lance?” 

Ezor looked around as well. Lance wasn’t anywhere to be seen. 

“Watch Keith. I’ll go look for Lance.” Ezor got up, walking off. 

Lo and behold, Lance was on the stage dancing on the pole.

“Lance!” Ezor put her hands on her hips.

“What?” Lance did a split.

“What the hell!” Ezor threw her arms around. 

“SHH! IM IN THE MOMENT.” Lance started to twerk. 

Ezor grumbled. Lance became a stripper. Keith was passed out. When she looked over back at the bar, Lotor was drinking the same drink Keith had. Ezor screamed.

Meanwhile, back at the town square, Santa finally arrived. Elves cheered. The class was happy. Mr. Zarkon was off somewhere else fucking Haggar. He got onto his sleigh, calling up Hunk to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

“I want my friends back!” Hunk yelled into Santa’s ear.

“Aye kid, you gon give me a fucking migraine.” Santa cringed. 

“But they’re gone!” 

“Who?” 

“Ezor. And Lance and Keith. And Lotor.” Hunk grabbed his beard as dramatic emotional music played. 

“No they aren’t.” 

“Yes they are.” 

“No they aren’t.” 

“Yeah they are.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay you’re right they are.” Santa gave in. “If you go find them now, then you can-“ 

“MR. ZARKONNNNNN!” Came a huge whine from the crowd. Everyone turned to see Ezor running towards Mr. Zarkon and Mrs. Haggar. “YOUR SON IS A BAD PERSON.” 

“I am aware of that.” Mr. Zarkon patted her head. “Now get away from me you half breed of a galra.” 

“But Lance became a stripper!” She yelled in horror.

“I’m not surprised.” Mr. Zarkon predicted that being Lance’s future job.

“And Keith got drunk with Lotor!” She fell to her knees, covering her eyes.

“Wait, they’re friends now?” He looked utterly shocked. “There’s something truly wrong then!” 

“Damn it, I knew they would find my strip club.” Santa stroked his beard, thinking. “Look. If you go get them now and drop them into the ocean and pretend that you kids never saw anything then I will be happy to help.” 

“Me? Drop my son into the Arctic Ocean?” Zarkon lit up. “WHAT A DAY!!!” He jumped. 

Haggar morphed back into her Honerva self and slapped tf out of him. 

So alas, Keith, Lotor, and Lance all got hyperthermia. No one got presents except for Acxa who was the only one who knew how to freaking behave. Her present was a toilet plunger, a cactus, and the broken corner of a picture frame. Turns out Santa was too poor to give them actual presents because he was in debt with a court case for elf pornography. 

Keith and Lance shivered in the cold arctic water. Fun fact: Lotor had no idea how to swim. Lance had to have him on his back, and Lotor looked 1000% done with life. 

“And what did I say, Lance? I told you if we didn’t get back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn’t I?” Keith yelled.

“Dude, come on.” Lance smirked.

“Well now you’re gonna get it, motherfucker! You and me, right now, we’re having it out, let’s go. Come on! Come on!” 

Lance stared at Keith’s ridiculous face and lightly slapped him. Keith began to cry. Lotor covered his ears.

 

And they lived their winter break happily forever after.

The end.

Jk this aint the last you’ve seen of me.


	23. Abuelita strikes back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DIOS MIO.

“KEITH. KEITH YOU WONT BELIEVE IT.” Lance ran and shook Keith as soon as he walked into the classroom. They came back from winter break, and all of them were sad that it was over. Keith had Christmas dinner with Lance’s family (wow dirty laundry only they be 9 and 10 this time), Lotor almost drowned in the fountain at the mall after telling the fake Santa that he wanted an AK-47 and an atomic bomb (which he actually got one of those, and it wasn’t the AK-47). Acxa and Ezor lost their teeth at the same time and Zethrid pretended to be the tooth fairy. Narti almost fell out of a tree in the middle of the Sahara desert. Hunk, Matt, and Pidge hacked North Korea and exposed Kim Jong Un’s nudes to the entire U.S.  
Not to mention the kids all went to the North fucking Pole. 

Anyways *clears throat*

“What?” Keith stopped Lance from shaking him, annoyed. 

“ABUELITA IS COMING. AGAIN. ZARKON AINT HERE.” 

“Tf is wrong with Lotor, though?”

Lotor had his head down on his desk, and Acxa was rubbing his back.

“He decided to try and be one of those skinny Asian girls who eat a ton of food on YouTube and now he’s probably a future diabetic.” Acxa informed Keith. 

“Huh.” Keith felt informed.

“WOWIE GUYS GUESS WHAT.” Matt yelled, running into the room with his arms out like an airplane. “I’M A ROCKET.” 

Pidge soon followed behind. “Everyone please excuse my idiot brother.” 

“ABUELITA IS COMING!” Lance shrieked.

“God, can you tone it down like twenty million notches? Thanks.” Pidge covered her ears. 

When the class all sat down, they all waited quietly for Abuelita. At last she finally came into the room with a sour look on her face.

“Lance. Mi nieto.” She acknowledged Lance blandly.

“Abuelita. Mi abuela.” Lance squinted, clasping onto Keith’s hand tightly. “Y Keith sigue siendo mi novia.” 

“Sí. Keith es muy estúpido.” Abuelita muttered.

“QUIERES DESAFIERME??” Keith shot up. 

“Bruh I have no idea wtf anyone is saying.” Hunk was very confused.

“Lance told Abuelita that he’s still dating Keith. She called Keith stupid. Now Keith is challenging her.” Lotor explained, kicking back in his seat getting ready for a show. 

Keith jumped up from his desk and grabbed his chair, getting ready to swing. The class screamed. Shiro had to grab Keith and jerk him backwards.

“Keith, no! You will not fight an old lady!” He yelled.

Suddenly Narti started choking on a pickle. 

“DIOS MIOOOOOO!” Abuelita gasped. “Why are you eating in my class?” 

“I do what I fucking want.” Narti said.

The class got dead silent. Ezor dropped her pencil. Acxa’s mouth hung open. Zethrid covered her mouth. Allura and Pidge looked at each other and back at Narti. Keith dropped the chair and Shiro let go of Keith. Matt and Hunk were in utter awe. 

And then there was Lotor. He walked up slowly to Narti. “You... can speak?”  
She began to hold up her middle finger, but he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. “No. You can talk?” He repeated. 

Narti quickly put her hand down onto the classroom floor, and everyone’s eyes started to glow purple. Everyone’s memory was erased.

Later that day Abuelita was teaching the class about how to use manners. They went to the gym and set up family dinner tables with table cloths and fancy chairs. All the students wore fancy clothes. A huge feast was set up.

“Today I am going to teach you all proper manners.” She said. “Does anyone know what to say when asking for something?” 

“You say, “yo bitch give me that shit”.” Matt yelled out.

“Matt, you’re supposed to say ‘please’.” Allura whispered harshly at him, kicking his foot. 

“Oh um- I mean, please?” 

“Nope. Too late.” Abuelita shook her head, tsking. “Get our of the classroom ya piece of shit.” 

Matt was glad to fucking walk out.

—

“Okay guys, we need a plan.” Shiro gathered everyone during recess. They all sat together under the slides (the OG squad meet up place for all elementary schools.) and talked about what they should do.

“We could sacrifice her again.” Lotor lit up. “That’ll be fun!” 

“Or we can simply tell Mr. Shada.” Acxa gave Lotor an annoyed look. He smirked at her.

“Yeah but sacrificing is more fun, Acxa. Even you agreed to that before you started to call me a bitch.” 

Petty.

“I say we put on a musical!” Ezor did jazz hands. 

“As what, a cry for help?” Zethrid put her hands on her hips, squinting for eyes. 

“Well at least I don’t cry over creepers blowing up my house.” Ezor stuck her tongue out.

“Oh my god, can you all stop arguing?” Keith started bashing his head against the support pole. 

“A musical doesn’t sound like a bad idea. But I think it needs to be a solo.” Lance pointed to himself.

“Lance, no.” Pidge hit him. He yelped.

“No, I think that just might be it.” Shiro nodded. “We need this to happen fast. Can anyone actually play an instrument?” 

“I play piano.” Hunk said.

“Well there we go.” Allura pointed to Hunk. “We need to have Hunk play at the elite school down the street and it needs to happen today. Maybe then we can create a rebellion against Abuelita, and get members to the coalition.” 

Everyone suppressed a long sigh.

Enough about the coalition, Allura.

“We need a bus.” Keith looked to the parking lot, pointing. “There!” 

So very sneaky, they tip toed over to the bus, getting on. 

“Does anyone here have driving experience?” Shiro called out.

“We’re fourth graders!” Lotor yelled up. “Of course we know how to drive!” He added sarcastically. 

“I’ll do it.” Keith hopped into the front seat. “Watch and learn.” He hot wired the bus and sped off, everyone in the back was screaming and Shiro didn’t have enough time to sit down, so he fell and broke his arm.

They quickly stopped by the hospital to get it amputated. Thank god he had health insurance. He got a cool robo prosthetic that could glow and slice things in half. It only took 15 minutes, then they got on the bus and continued back to the elite school. 

The elite school was much nicer than the other elementary school. The other school only had one class. It used to be a full on school before the elite school was put in business. 

But the public school was a family. The class was eleven people, but that didn’t stop them. They hopped off the bus and ran into the building. 

“And what are you children doing here?” Haggar stopped them. 

“Hi the person who is technically my mother but is not actually same person who gave birth to me, how you doing?” Lotor waved.

“We have an announcement to make to the elite kids.” Keith said urgently.

“And Hunk’s gonna do it!” Matt threw an arm around Hunk.

“Where’s your teacher? I know my husband is out sick today. He’s faking it so he doesn’t have to see all you ugly faces. Except for you, Lotor you literally look like me and him so I can’t call you ugly.” 

“Wow. Thanks.” The group said.

“Well it’s Lance’s bitch ass of a grandmother who keeps saying I’m not allowed to be gay.” Keith slammed his foot down. “We gotta put an end to this!” 

“Ugh. Fine.” Haggar rolled her eyes. She got on the intercom. “Everyone please head down to the assembly hall for an announcement.” 

—

Hunk walked up to the stage. All the little elite little brats with their perfect little uniforms and perfect little grades and perfect little hair day in their perfect little seats. The rest of the average class sat with them in the audience.

Hunk walked up to the piano with his tuxedo and cracked his knuckles. He began to play a beautiful tune.

“ABUELITA ES MUY LOCA. ABUELITA ES MUY ESTUPIDA. ABUELITA ES MUY GORDA.” Hunk screamed into the mic. They were the lyrics Lance gave him. 

“DAMN WHAT DID THIS ABUELITA DO TO YOU??” That bitch Timmy from the fall play yelled from the audience. 

“BECAUSE TIMMY MAYBE MI ABUELITA ES MUY LOCA, ESTUPIDA, Y GORDA.” Lance yelled from across the seating.

“HOW CAN YOU JUST CALL YOUR GRANDMOTHER CRAZY STUPID AND FAT??” Timmy was horrified.

“BECAUSE SHE’S A HOMOPHOBE AND WE NEED YOUR HELP TO GET RID OF HER.” Lance screamed back.

“Ohhhhhhhhh....” the audience was no longer confused. 

“People of the Higher Education Program, rise up and join us!” Lotor went up to the stage. Diplomat moving speech with inspiration and poetic wording Lotor came out. “My father built an empire on the bones of our Voltronville Public Elementary School. But the time has come to change the old ways, and inspire- not fear the ways of your school- but loyalty. It’s time to take down Abuelita once and for all!” 

“WOOHOO GO LOTOR.” Allura cheered him on. “THAT WAS A GOOD ASS DIPLOMATIC SPEECH.” 

“Hey,” Timmy said to his fellow peers. “That was a pretty good speech for a public school kid. Let’s defeat Abuelita!” 

—

The two schools stood outside the public school with weapons and torches. It was time to fight Abuelita. She opened the window to the classroom. 

“Lance! What are you doing?” She was 1000% done.

“Standing up to you!” Lance held up his torch.

“It’s time to say no to homophobia!” Matt yelled.

“Yeah! Everyone deserves fair chance!” Zethrid added.

“There are serial killers out there! And you worry more about gay people!” Ezor stood on Acxa’s shoulders. 

“No.” Abuelita smirked. “You tiny little bitches ain’t no math for me, even if you all got the smart kids.” 

“QUICK.” Shiro yelled. “WE NEED THE SECRET WEAPON. TIMMY, MICHAEL, GET EVERYONE FROM YOUR SCHOOL TOGETHER AND FORM THE SECRET WEAPON!” 

Timmy and Michael began to get everyone to aim their squirt guns. 

“Oh, like I’m scared to get wet?” Abuelita laughed evilly. “Just wait until you see my secret weapon!” She pulled out a chancla. 

“SHES GOT THE CHANCLA.” Lance screamed in terror. “NOOOO.” 

“We got something stronger!” Pidge said. “Everyone back up.” 

Everyone backed up.

She breathed in. “HHHHHola! aHHHHora HHHHoy we will fight back!” 

“NOOOOO.” Abuelita felt herself lose gaming Xp. “YOU PRONOUNCED THE H’S. THATS NOT SPANISH.” 

“QUICK, WHILE SHE’S WEAK. WE NEED THE ULTIMATE WEAPON. EVERYONE FORM PLAN Z!” Keith yelled.

Everyone began to stack on top of one another. Narti was placed on top so she could be near the window and level with Abuelita.

Finally she released the weapon.

She flipped Abuelita off.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Abuelita cried out. She then ran away and cried. 

All was good in Voltronville.


	24. Boys vs. Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re fourth graders. It’s bound to happen.

It was January 13. You know what that fucking meant.  
It was Hunk’s fucking birthday! 

Lotor invited Hunk to his house for a surprise party, but as you know, Lotor has been running low on respecting women juice lately. So he decided that only the boys in the class were invited. 

This triggered Allura. 

“You little rat! I swear to god!” Allura tackled Lotor to the ground during class. “It’s not even for you! It’s for Hunk!” 

“Shut up, Allura. We don’t want to catch your stupid estrogen.” Lotor smirked. This sent Allura into a fury. 

“I’M PREPUBESCENT YOU TROLL!” 

Zarkon had his feet up on his desk and dark a big movie theatre drink and ate popcorn. He was enjoying watching his wayward son get beat up by a girl. 

Thing is, Lotor didn’t even care. He let it happen. 

“Allura, get off of him!” Acxa pulled Allura off of Lotor. “Let’s just have our own sleepover at your house or something!” 

“No way! We live right next to Lotor and-“ Allura began to ramble but then halted, realizing how perfect of a plan could be formed from that. She looked down at Lotor, glaring at his sly expression. “All of the girls in this class are invited to a sleepover at my house. Tonight. No boys allowed.” She announced.

“YEAH!” Ezor stood proud. “Take THAT Lotion!” She walked over and stomped on Lotor’s stomach. 

“O O F.” Lotor heaved. 

So it was declared. That night an all out war was about to take place. In elementary school, everyone has had a war like this whether it was on a playground or on a school bus. 

Boys vs. Girls.

 

Keith brought the many boxes of pizzas to the table. He struggled, the pizza boxes being almost as big as he was. “We got like every single kind except for anchovies.” 

The boys all shivered. “Anchovies...” 

Mr. Zarkon had one nice ass house, it had a pool in the backyard that lit up with purples and reds at night time. It was heated as well, so they didn’t have to close it up during winter season. All the boys were in swim trunks and were dripping wet from swimming. Hunk wore a birthday crown in celebration for being a decade old.

“First pizza. Then cake.” Hunk said. He hopped up into one of the seats. “I’m still thinking about my wish.” 

“Lotor has a birthmark!” Lance sang in a sing song tone. “I saw it.” 

“I do not!” Lotor yelled, his fist balled up and everything.

“Oh yes he does.” Mr. Zarkon crossed his arms with a smirk ass face. “It was the first thing we ever made fun of him for.” 

“Shut up, father!” 

Suddenly Lance pulled down Lotor’s swim trunks. 

“DUDE!” Lotor screamed. It was too late. Everyone had seen it. Right on his left ass cheek. A birthmark, shaped exactly like Simon Cowell. He quickly pulled his swim trunks back on.

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!” Shiro burst out laughing. 

“OOH! OOH! I HAVE ONE TOO!” Matt got up and stood on top of the counter. He lifted his arm. Only this time his was under his armpit and shaped exactly like Simon Cowell. 

“Woah. It’s like they’re interconnected.” Hunk was amazed. 

“Yeah. Only Lotor’s is on his ass.” Keith snorted. 

They all cracked up. 

 

“What are they doing now?” Pidge sat on Allura’s bed as Allura stared into binoculars out the window. 

“I don’t know. They just brought in pizza. Quick! Zethrid! They have 12 boxes! Order us 13!” Allura continued to spy on them. Suddenly she screamed and dropped the binoculars. 

“What?!” Ezor was startled. 

“I SAW LOTOR’S ASS.” 

“EWWWWWWWWWW!” They all screamed. Narti covered her eyes and shook her head.

Pfft. Get it? She covered her EYES. HAHAHA 

Anyway, Allura was scarred.

“I say we go out in your pool Allura! Can we?” 

“Only if my father says yes.” Allura cleared her throat. “DAAAAAAAAAAD CAN WE GO SWIMMING????” 

“No, Allura! We would have to turn on the heaters and-“ 

“But Mr. Zarkon’s pool looks better than ours right now! They all just swam!” Allura whined.

Suddenly all of them could hear a glass drop on the floor and break. Then they heard Alfor growl. “Dinkleburg.......” 

 

The boys went back outside after they ate pizza to find that next door Bodak Yellow was blasting and the girls were swimming and splashing in Allura’s pool. Only this time, they set up a water slide and her pool had changing lights of every color. 

“No. This is not how it’s supposed to be.” Lotor planted his feet into the dirt, standing his ground. “We must form a plan.” 

“I smell sabotage.” Keith rubbed his hands together. “I like what I’m hearing.” 

“Water guns.” Lance pointed to a bucket of water guns. 

Oh dear.

 

The girls were all just chilling when suddenly the boys started to jump over the fence with water guns. They started to spray them, knocking Narti off of her inflatable dick floaty and making Pidge jump off of the ladder of the water slide. 

“SHIRO. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.” Allura gasped. “THE REST OF YOU I EXPECT THIS.” 

“Fuck YEAH!” Lance squirted his water gun at Ezor.

“LANCE. STOP. THAT’S NOT EVEN WATER.” She gagged. 

Try to guess. 

9 year old Lance

Plus water gun 

Equals not a good result. 

“EWWW LANCE WHY WOULD YOU-“ Keith dropped his gun. “I THOUGHT WE WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO USE WATER.” 

“Okay, that’s low, even for me.” Lotor dropped his gun, surrendering.

“Wait what just happened?” Hunk dropped his gun, confuzzled.

“Lance pissed into his fucking gun.” Keith sighed in disappointment while Lance maniacally laughed. 

“Ew, Lance!” Acxa scoffed, pushing Lance into the pool. 

“That is truly 10000% disgusting and I offer a truce.” Matt said.

 

So they all truced. 

 

All of them except Lance (who was now locked in the basement) all gathered around Hunk’s birthday cake. It was themed after the zootopia meme and had NANI?? Written across it.

“What’s your wish, Hunk?” Zethrid asked.

“I wish for all of us to be friends.” Hunk smiled. :) he blew out his ten candles.

All was good in Voltronville.


	25. Snowed in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucking shit.

All was a disaster in Voltronville.   
“Well Superintendent Montgomery said that we are not allowed to send anyone home on the roads.” Mr. Zarkon drew a very detailed dick on the board, describing what the weather was being. 

“They aren’t even that bad.” Ezor chewed on the classroom blinds, looking out the window. 

“There’s three feet of snow on the road, Ezor.” Acxa said. 

“Well SORRRRRRRY!” Ezor flipped her off.

“Hey! We will NOT be getting into any arguments.” Mr. Zarkon said. “Now finish your assignment.” 

“Just watch, we’re going to be stuck in this dumbass school for twenty billion years.” Allura banged her head against the desk, and Shiro had to hold her back before she knocked herself out. 

“Mr. Zarkon, what kind of questions are these?” Lance stared at his paper, giving a weird face.

How many times does a woman finger herself a year

“Wait, let me see the questions.” Mr. Zarkon got up to look at the papers he handed out to the class. Then he began to cough loudly. “OH SHOOT WRONG CLASS.” 

“What other class are you teaching?!” Pidge was appalled. 

“He works for XNXX.” Lotor said, sipping his juice box in which actually had the blood of Throk in it because he went over to Throk’s house and did a lil stabby stabby. “So that way he could afford all of the nuclear weapons that he hides in our basement.”

“Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….” the class nodded slowly. 

As time went on, it continued to snow really hard. It was crazy, and coming down at about a foot an hour. Soon they had five. Then six. No one was allowed to go home.

“Great. Now I can’t finish my fucking survival game of Minecraft.” Lance pouted, throwing scissors across the room. They almost hit Lotor.

“Hey! Throw those again and I swear to god!” Lotor yelled.

“Yeah, Yeah, you’ll break my precious face, I know.” Lance rested his eyes.

 

Several hours later the classroom got cold. Like really cold. The sun was setting, and they all planned to sleep at school overnight. 

Now when you’re stuck in school, you get bored. You think being snowed in a school with all of your friends would be naturally fun, but the thing is, you have to MAKE it fun.

“WHOEVER DECIDED TO PUT A BUNCH OF ICE IN ALL THE SCHOOL TOILETS MUST SPEAK UP NOW.” Zarkon yelled as soon as all the students sat down.

Everyone looked at Keith, and Keith put his hands up. “HEY MAN, IM INNOCENT THIS TIME.” 

“It looks like we need to run an investigation.” Zarkon squinted his eyes as dramatic music played the lights of the room dimmed. The spotlight fell on Allura. Literally. There was an actual spotlight. “You! You never liked me.” 

“Am I supposed to?” Allura stuck her tongue out. “You son wants to fuck me when we’re older!” 

“Child sex is prohibited. Age of consent is 16. You got 6 years, princess.” Lotor winked. That was when Acxa and Ezor both threw an entire pc at him from god knows where. 

“It’s not Allura! She says the bathrooms are repulsive and she’s scared of them!” Shiro said.

“He’s right.” Matt agreed.

“Then that means it must’ve been-“ Zarkon began, but then stopped. The room went dark, when suddenly the spotlight came back on, right on Lance. “It was you! You are always trying to mess with me!” 

“As much as I do like messing with you, I like being able to take a shit without my ass feeling cold.” Lance yawned, tired of this shit.

The spotlight fell on other students.   
Keith claimed the same thing as Lance.   
Shiro was a saint.   
Matt was scared of ice.  
Acxa was a goody two shoes.  
Hunk was a ray of sunshine and would never do something like that.  
Zethrid already took her daily dose of anger out on Lotor by throwing his ass off the playground slide that morning.  
Ezor didn’t even know ice existed.   
Pidge refused to walk into the bathrooms.  
Lotor was also scared of ice.

 

“I swear to god whoever did it I’m going to knock them out so fast that they go blind!” Zarkon flexed angrily.

The spotlight fell on Narti.

She nodded. 

It was her.

Zarkon’s face dropped.

“You gonna make her go blind, Mr. Zarkon?” Pidge said. 

Later all of the power went out.

So that meant the heating went out too.

Wow superintendent Montgomery was trying to kill everyone off now wasn’t she? 

Lotor didn’t believe in the cold. He took his shirt off just to prove a point. The rest of the students were fucking shivering. 

“You know what’s warm?” Lance shook pitifully. 

“What?” Keith pressed his face into Lance’s shoulder. Everyone was huddling each other except for Lotor who was on Snapchat taking snaps of the dead hamster that just kinda sat in the back corner of the room. 

“This.” Lance said.

Suddenly a sound erupted.

“LANCE.” Shiro hit Lance, moving away. Lance had this stupid grin on his face. He let a big one rip.

“ITS NOT THE TIME TO RIP ASS, LANCE.” Hunk ran as far away as he possibly could. Ezor slapped the fuck out of Lance. 

“THAT’S IT.” Keith pulled out a lighter and everyone screamed. He threw it down on the rug, setting it to flames.

Zarkon was like SHIT. He got a jug of apple juice out of his desk and tried to pour it on the fire that was spreading, but it did nothing. 

“KEITH.” Allura smacked Keith.

“MAYBE IF WE DONT LOOK AT IT IT’LL GO AWAY.” Ezor cried out.

“THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS EZOR.” Acxa slammed her foot down.

Suddenly the automatic sprinklers on the ceiling that never actually go off in any school ever went off, putting out the fire, but it actually soaked the entire classroom.

“KEITH THIS IS YOUR FAULT.” Shiro pointed to the ash.

“Well at least it’s warm now.” Keith accepted fate.

“I’m done.” Matt ran towards the window, ready to jump out.

“MATT NO.” The class screamed.

“MATT YES.” Zarkon cheered. Everyone stopped and looked at him with that ‘really?’ expression. Matt was halfway out the window and stopped. “What? All he ever does is hit on Allura and twerk!” 

Matt got himself back into the classroom. “Oh, so this is how it’s played?” He began throwing it back.

“Damn, Matt is stupid thicc!” Zethrid cheered Matt on. Zarkon covered his eyes and screamed. 

“Lotor, sing the song!” Pidge said.

“It’s yoooooooo” Lotor began

“Girl Booty flat   
And she twerks with her back  
And she talk all that stuff  
But she look like a rat  
Look she got no curves  
Cuz she dance like a worm  
It’s yo girl  
Booty flat!” 

“I’m quitting bye.” Zarkon threw himself out the window. Everyone celebrated.

 

So that night they all decided to hang out in the music room to sleep since it was much warmer. Sendak had a fireplace and he didn’t want to share but since Hunk is his favorite student and he saw Hunk all sad he just couldn’t say no.

It was midnight. No one was sleeping.

“Okay. We should confess one thing to everyone in case we die.” Shiro said. Wow great way to create a mood.

“Lance, once I wiped my ass with your toothbrush because it was the only thing.” Keith straight up said. Lance just shrugged. Oh well. 

“Lotor, I had a crush on you in like first grade but then you cut my hair in my sleep and now I don’t trust you.” Acxa said. 

“You had like twenty million split ends.” Lotor said. “And I did layers.” 

“I guess it looked decent.” Acxa sighed.

“I have a shrine of Shiro at my house.” Allura laid down. 

“Cool.” Shiro patted her shoulder.

“I hate myself.” Hunk said.

“WHAT.” Everyone screamed. Hunk bby no. “WHY.” 

“Because I forgot to feed my cat today.” 

They all hugged Hunk for a solid four minutes.

“So I guess this is the end of all of us. The snow isn’t stopping.” Zethrid said sadly.

 

To be continued.

All was bad in Voltronville.


	26. Etiquette class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zarkon is a bubble blowing double baby.

Okay, so, turns out Narti can breathe fire and Lance was Elsa or some fucking shit. So the snowstorm went bye bye. 

Zarkon came back and decided to do a favor for his fourth grade class. He was going to give them something they all needed. 

An etiquette class. 

“Father, who the fuck is this lady?” Lotor asked, crossing his arms and hovering in a meditation position because he knew da wae and could now reach all of the Hindu gods through a cosmic connection to all space and time. 

“Hey, you will respect Lauren Montgomery and all the time she has to devote to you disgusting pieces of shit. She is here to give you all lessons on politeness and etiquette.” Zarkon said, sitting back in his desk chair to watch this show go down. This was going to be interesting. 

“Mr. Zarkon I have a question.” Keith raised his hand, waving it around. 

“What?” 

“Why is your son levitating?” 

“Because he has Ebola and now knows da wae.” 

“Okay. Well then how come I don’t know da wae.” Shiro asked.

“We arE NOT TALKING ABOUT DA WAE ANYMORE.” Ezor yelled. “It’s a dead meme! Right now the real question is do y’all hear Yanny or Laurel?” 

“LAUREL.” The entire class yelled. 

“If y’all hear Laurel you’re mentally disabled. Mrs. Montgomery, get on with the lesson.” Zarkon said. 

“Okay.” Montgomery said, absolutely hating all the characters that were created in her hands. Except Hunk. No one is allowed to hate Hunk. “First, I will need all of you to sit up straight. Lotor, just continue hovering. I don’t even know what to expect out of you anymore your plot line is sad and unpredictable.” 

Narti stood up and hopped up onto her desk. She sat down, but she sat up straight. So technically she was doing it right. 

Zethrid slouched sarcastically. “Fuck this lesson.” 

“Okay, good enough. At least you all are trying to do something. Now I am going to pass around these forks and spoons.” Montgomery said, trying her best not to lose her patience.

“Finally! Something I can stab this bitch with.” Keith pointed his actual stabbing knife at Zarkon, who gave him a middle finger. Narti flipped Zarkon back off. 

“Keith, you were not created to do the stabby times in vain.” 

“Okay but isn’t Zarkon the villain in some kinda alternate universe where we are all in some space war and everyone in the fandom ships keith and Lance and send death threats to you if it doesn’t work out but ever since season 5 everyone started aggressively shipping lotura even though we could never even imagine that but now there’s a bunch of instagram users making fucking AUs of their future children but not only that you all made Lotor kill Zarkon and Haggar is his mom even though Lotor doesn’t want to believe that or just doesn’t really know even though they look smack alike and not only that, Shiro is a fucking fake and everyone was too fucking blind to see that knock on wood for my blind ass, while Lotor killed me? But it’s okay because this one blonde bitch ratted his shit out and everyone’s pretty sure Lotor and Allura has rift sex but not only that, Keith has a space wolf? “Narti said. The entire class including Montgomery froze. Narti just talked. She cursed under her breath, getting up jumping out the window with the fish tank.

Welp.

“Well the first step to knowing etiquette is to not be a baby anymore. So I will administer the bubble blowing double baby test.” Montgomery said, and right as she said that, Dos Santos busted into the room, looking completely ripped. 

“WHO IS THE BABY.” He demanded, his voice deep and scary. The class looked at each other in confusion. “So. Nobody knows.” He smirked. 

“Maybe it’s-“ Lance began to say, pointing at Pidge.

“SHUT UP.” Dos Santos threw a book at him. Wowie. “Somebody in here ain’t a real man!” 

“Um yeah I’m a girl so-“ Allura said

“YOU.” Dos Santos almost threw a book at her, but that would have been bad because that’s disrespecting women. “We’re on a baby hunt! And don’t think we don’t know how to weed them out. NOW EVERYBODY LINE UP.” 

Everybody lined up as fast as they could. Dos Santos was too fucking ripped to disobey. Montgomery turned on music. It was the goofy goober theme song. “No baby can resist singing along to this.” 

“Lance, it’s the goofy goober theme song.” Hunk whispered, nervous.

“I know.” Lance began to shake with fear. 

“DJ. Turn it up louder!” 

The volume went up.

“Don’t sing along Hunk.” Lance gasped.

“I’m trying-“ Hunk sweat. “Trying so harddddd.” 

Dos Santos noticed these two were struggling. He walked up to them, smiling down into their faces. “I’m a goofy goober, yeah.” He taunted. “You’re a goofy goober yeah.” Hunk and Lance were struggling, biting their tongues. “We’re all goofy goobers Yeah…” 

Right as Lance and Hunk drew in a breath, a voice interrupted. “GOOFY GOOFY GOOBER GOOBER YEAH!” 

Cue record scratch.

It was Zarkon. 

Zarkon had to leave because he was a baby. 

“Good. Now that my father is gone, wanna date?” Lotor wriggled his eyebrows at Allura. She nodded, giving him a kiss. Wowie look it’s canon guys.

 

“Okay. Since we have ratted out all of our babies, it is time to move onto the next phase. This woman has been trained in nothing but etiquette since she was born. She lives it. Breathes it. Bathes in it.” Montgomery said. Oh no. The woman who came through the door made Lotor gasp and drop down to hide behind a desk. It was his nanny. Dayak. 

“FUCK NO THIS LADY IS OUT HER MIND, MONTGOMERY.” He shouted. 

“Lotor, stand up, now!” Dayak ordered. Lotor slowly stood up, hating his life. “Today I will teach all of you children how to be sophisticated young adults.” 

“We’re in the fourth grade.” Matt tapped his foot.

“Well with our education system, we expect you to all have your lives planned out as soon as you enter kindergarten and if you don’t you will fail.” 

“Stupid American education system.” Pidge muttered. 

“What was that?!” Dayak demanded. “I will bring in a student that I have been teaching for a while to set an example! Romelle-“ 

A blond girl, basically the white version of Allura walked into the room. She locked eyes with Lotor. “You.” 

“If one more bitch comes through that door-“ he said.

“LOTOR YOU STOLE MY SCENTED COLORED PENCILS.” 

The entire class gasped. Allura looked at Lotor. “Lotor, is this true?” 

“Fuck yeah it is.” 

Allura then threw Lotor across the room. Welp. That was a good canon 2 minute ship. 

“Okay, settle down! Everyone take your seats.” Dayak said. Everyone gladly sat down. “Now the first thing I will teach you all is how to not have ADHD and sit the fuck still.” 

“You can kiss my ass I can have ADHD if I want to.” Zethrid hmphed. 

“Yeah! Screw you Dayak!” Ezor exclaimed.

The next ten minutes spiraled out of control.

Dayak was afraid that this class was unteachable. You had some weird Cuban kid constantly making out with his Korean boyfriend, a student you tried to teach but failed miserably because he doesn’t want to be Galra, some random colorful girl and her three friends in which one of them just jumped out the window with a fish tank, you got that one sweet kid who won’t hurt a soul, then you got the brother and sister who won’t stop thumb wrestling each other to the camp camp theme, and finally the dad kid who just wanted the rest of the class to be happy. 

Dayak had a mental breakdown. She has given up. Even Romelle was now cussing out Lotor. 

Narti darted into the room, and the way they ended the day was her drawing a big middle finger on the board and one by one knocking everyone in the class out. 

Okay fuck this chapter I’m tired I’m going to bed. 

All was good in voltronville.


	27. SOL test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you live in VA, you know my pain

The students of the school dreaded this time of the year.

Now dear reader, if you live in Virginia, then you know of the most pointless wastes of time ever that are literally just stupid dumb ass exams that you don’t even get graded on called SOL tests. They are literally how the school uses us as students as lab rats from grade 3 all the way to grade 12 for funding. Personally at my school, all the funding we get goes straight to our football team and nothing else. Why I have to take a 60 question math sol? A two day writing sol? A 70 question science sol? The world may never know. 

The students all sat in the computer lab, staring at the TestNav screens. “Okay, I am so sorry but this bitchy ass state says I gotta give y’all this ciriculum that Virginia uses with ridiculous pointless tests with material from the entire year.” Mr. Zarkon said.

“But we ain’t even in Virginia.” Zethrid crossed her arms.

“I know. ⅓ of the test is graded with correct questions past the pass and fail boundary. ⅓ is graded on the questions you have to get right. ⅓ is graded on you just putting your name into the system. If you get below a 400 then you are mentally disabled and if you get a 600 then the government will hunt you down and start testing on your brain. Got that?” Zarkon said. He held up a stupid sol test booklet, walking around the room. “Now I will read this test guide to you so you know what to fucking do.” 

“Mr. Zarkon I don’t know what to fucking do.” Keith pointed to his screen, which was somehow displaying everything upside down. 

“NOW I WILL READ THIS TEST GUIDE TO YOU SO YOU KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO.” Zarkon screamed. 

“Damn, Okay Papí.” Keith flipped himself upside down so that way he could properly read his computer. 

“This is the SOL standards of learning fourth grade math test.” Mr. Zarkon read from the booklet. “I will walk around the computer lab and occasionally stop to uncomfortably hover you while you are testing. Also if anyone’s phone goes off then that’s a testing irregularity and we will have to throw you and your family into the pits of hell and everyone recieves an automatic fail. Also if you look on someone else’s computer then you are a stupid bitch and will have to die. You may now look at sample A. This question reads, ‘If two strippers each fucked two guys, then how many guys are going to child support court?” 

“THE ANSWER IS FUCKING FOUR.” Lotor yelled.

“W R O N G.” Zarkon threw Lotor out the window. What a throwable boy.

“The answer is four :)” Ezor smiled.

“Good job Ezor!” Zarkon patted her head. “Okay you know what fuck sample B just start the god damn test.” 

So they started the god damn test.

Lotor came back into the room, leaves stuck in his hair. He grumbled, sitting back in his seat and starting the test. 

While taking the test, Lance felt an uncomfortable presence behind him. It was Mr. Zarkon, staring at him. Now the thing about SOL tests is that the teacher literally will walk around the god damn computer lab and occasionally stop behind you and stare at your computer until you answer the question. Sometimes you would be on a question where you didn’t know the fucking answer, so you would basically humiliate yourself because you want the teacher to go away so you put the wrong fucking answer. Lance didn’t know what to do. He broke out into a cold sweat, just skipping the question.

“A-HA!” Zarkon pointed, getting the class’s attention. “LANCE SKIPPED THE QUESTION BECAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW THE ANSWER.” 

“WELL IF YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT 6273838.7383848483839339 TIMES EGG IS THEN I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT.” Lance yelled back.

“Mr. Zarkon, these questions make no god damn fucking sense!” Pidge slammed her head down. Okay. If Pidge wasn’t understanding the questions then there was a problem. 

“I do admit.” Shiro said. “I don’t remember learning anything about pregnancy in math class.” He was stuck on a question about pregnancy. 

Don’t you just love SOLs? 

You get these random ass questions that you’re sure you didn’t even learn about!

The wonders of Virginia’s education :)

“Okay.” Zarkon sighed. “Look. Honestly I have no fucking clue why you all are taking this. In fact, it isn’t even a grade. You get scored, then Virginia points out who all the stupid kids are. And let me tell you. Everyone in this classroom except for the Holts and maybe Hunk is a fucking idiot. But I need you guys to at least finish out this test. I need government money.” 

“For what?” Acxa asked.

“My daddy saw you loading nuclear explosives into your garage the other day, Mr. Zarkon.” Allura raises her hand. “Is that what you pay for with the funding?” 

Zarkon leaned real close to her face, grabbing her by the collar. “Your daddy is a hoe.” 

“HEY!” Lotor stood up on his chair. “That is NOT respecting women!” 

Narti fell out of her chair. She then crawled over and slapped a hand on Zarkon’s back. She spoke through him. “The answer to question 1 is A. The answer to question 2 is C.” 

 

A few weeks later they all got to see their SOL scores. 

“How the hell did you all score a 600?” Zarkon gaped, looking at the papers. “And Zethrid, you scored a 400. The only question you got wrong was the name entry at the beginning of the test because you put your name in wrong.” 

“Fack.” Zethrid muttered.

“Well. That means I’m getting government money now.” Zarkon smiled. “Congratulations students.” 

“And what do we get?” Hunk asked.

“Nothing. Like I said. SOL tests are just tests that use you as lab rats. Your history one is next week.” Zarkon grinned, getting up from his desk. “Well students, it’s time for me to leave. Have a nice day!” He floated with glee out of the classroom. 

 

“Oh fuck no.” Matt crossed his arms. 

“He doesn’t really get government money, does he?” Acxa asked.

“Unfortunately he does. Can’t get me anything for Christmas but hey at least he gets to buy Russian nuclear bombs every once in awhile.” Lotor shrugged. 

“We can’t let him have that money all for himself!” Ezor exclaimed. “We need to form up a plan. Shiro, what should we do?” 

They all looked at Shiro. Shiro took an expo marker and began drawing on the board. Within minutes, a plan was formed. 

And it was a good one.


End file.
